Thursday, 27 March 2014

I just can't talk.

I am thinking very seriously of making an appointment with a psychologist. I m not feeling very well these days. I thing of my brother almost every day. And then, I cry. Sometimes I cry a lot. Simultaneously, I feel broken inside. Something screams loudly, but I cannot.
I want to hide from everyone around me. I want to close the door, my heart, my ears and sleep. Sleep for hours, days, weeks. I want to rest my body, my soul.
Nobody can help me.

I do not eat properly. I do not have the appetite. Nobody can give me a hand or even a good time.
I m getting lost into some songs. But I still cry still feel broken, still be in pain.

I cry, so my eyes are red. My excuse is that I am tired. Of what? Doesn't matter. I just do not want to admit once more that I still feel down.
Then, everything seems darker again. I reveal nothing, keep everything. My life is a mess. I feel helpless.

I need love in my life. I want to feel passion. A reason to live, to fly. I need to have the maximum of everything. I need something to shake me. To take me in its arms and wake me up.

I can't get over it. I can feel the terror soaring around me, laughing  evilly, rubbing his hands...
And I, am standing here, trembling, fearing everything.
What is death? Where is he?

I want my brother back. For a moment. I want to hug him, look in his eyes and even fight with him one more time. It s never enough.
But I hadn't touch him for a long time before he died. I hadn't speak to him. I was far away. He had his life. Different things to do. A daughter.
Now he has nothing. Not even his life.

And I don't have him.

But somebody just told me that he is here, near me. Like everyone who have left that world. Maybe I ll talk to him sometime.


  1. I write here because putting my own thoughts in an order relieves my own stresses. I do that every day to maintain some emotional balance.
    So, I think that this is your key too. You dont have an issue that you cant solve on your own. So, lets say that writing relieves your sadness. What will happen if you write even before sadness becomes unbearable? I think that way, you will avoid sadness. So, one activity is writing. Which else activities did you notice to have a decent effect on happiness? Maybe eating health? Working out? Helping other people? I think the last one is important. Knowing that you contribute something to society is an important piece of a happy life. So, what I suggest, is writing in order to maintain happiness. Working out in order to maintain aliveness. Helping people in order to help them. If you wake up everyday at 8 oclock a.m. you can start writing with a cup of coffee for 2 hours. That will put you on the right direction. Then, as hours pass you may get a little darker, so at 3 oclock pm you could try having a siesta. Sleeping at noon is something older generations did. It serves as a way to limit worries. Then during afternoon maybe you should pay attention to someone else's soul. Put a seed of hope into their souls, and know that in the beginning depressed people are embarassed to become happy. So even if you relieved their depression they won't show it at that same instant.

    1. I think that writing here relieves me too and this is the reason I do it mostly. Recently, I found something else that I feel like spending my time. This is skating. I don't know for how long I am going to do it, but still those times that I tried I was really satisfied.
      I think I should organize my time first of all. Also I feel quite stressed because of my English examination and the assignments that I have to do for college.
      However, sometimes I feel that I am too much stressed without doing something serious. I mean that I feel paralyzed. So, firstly I have to do something about that.
      You know, there are days that I do not want to come in contact with other people. I get lost in my mind..
      Thank you for the advise though.

  2. I get it. Its hard. I am trying to organize time in a meaningful way too. I dont know how to do it either.


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