Monday, 13 March 2017

People are right. I am always in a hurry.

   I tend to destroy everything, when I feel things are falling apart, because it is easy to say that I DID it (first). I don't want to see things around me change, because I m always afraid of a negative change. I m hurt, several thousands of times. As most of us.
   Some were luckier, and got hurt less times. Some others had rough times generally. Life is not the same for everyone. All of us are alone in our path, but this is why we have family, friends, company, relationships.... We need to share. Some have the urge frequently, some others less. The key is "understanding" and one step at a time. Or that 's what people say usually.

   I had been considered as a "difficult, absurd, hard-to-understood " nature. What I need to say, is that everyone is like this to some other people. I cannot explain why this happens, but we somehow have different personallities for other (groups of?) people. Our nature is complex, mysterious, but somehow cool. Even animals have some similarities.

    I have a confession: When I feel blue, I think of a hug to be there for me. Laid on a bed, crying in some hug (no gender, no personality), feeling the warmth. And some caress. No intentions, not even talk. Later maybe.
   But today, I had a breakdown while at work. I locked myself in some bathroom and I quited from myself for a few minutes. I quited from everything. I tried to empty my mind.  And then...it appeared.    A person was "standing" next to me.  Even though, i usually see my dead brother, this time it was myself. Somehow, my phantom was standing next to me, as if I was not me anymore. She -let's call her as "she"- was doing what my real self would do to a friend. Or what I woud like someone to do to me that moment. She knelt down, next to me, took my hand and hold it on my knee. She meant I should be strong (of course, i know what my inner self would offer to other people).  No hugs, no caress, because there is no need of exchanging feelings. She knew exactly what I felt. She knew the situation. She told me a few things and then she disappeared.
   Then i realised, I have seen her one more time. I had made her up in one of my stories. And for years I was trying to make her more ... real. And here she was now. In a moment I needed her, she came. For a while. I should keep in mind she exists.
   I guess, it helped that for a long time now, I was thinking how it would be to have a sister. Sometimes I m concentranting on a twin sister. But I ve never thought of my self. The same person, body and personality, I already have. Well, it s here. I wasn't scared. It was almost natural. It was only wierd, letting a girl so close to me. I am afraid of them.
   There are moments I want to talk. I want to talk so badly, for hours, repeat myself over and over and waste my time on the same issue. But this is impossible to be done with a real person. How many times can someone stand you or how much time do they have? Also, how can you speak openly to someone you know for short time? i am afraid of being judjed, because i ve been there for years. However, sisters are different. People who love you the most, after moms probably. I 've had a brother that I would and I could speak. For everything. But he is not here anymore and there is no will or courage to start building my relationship with my other brothers now. It seems somehow late. they are absent...
   My main problem is that i have no idea what my brother would tell me. Furthermore, i really dislike guessing. It's not fair. I want real answers in tough moments. Fuck.

   So I brought ownself in my missing brother's possition. At least I know what I would say to me.
Friends for ever...

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