Thursday, 25 May 2017

Emergency room

   Time goes slowly as I see your car colliding with the other coming. I am screaming. This is not happening.
   Flames and dust everywhere and the only memory I have after the arrival of the ambulance, is you, covered in blood and me, somewhere near, as an ethereal existance... Like a ghost or someone who is just heading to the other side...
   I am not alive anymore while the doctors are taking you for the operation.

   Fifteen fucking hours past and I had been only sitting, looking on an empty wall. I have no idea if I passed out in between. The moment of the accident is playing on the repeat in my mind again and again. I cannot cry anymore, I am dry, I have a headache and my soul is in pain. What could have I done to just change the situation? What can I do to help you now?
  Are you in pain? Do you feel anything? Are you even alive, or am I waiting for the bad news only? Are you able to think, are you having hallucinations?
   A nurse is approaching me. You are bleeding excessively and you need blood donors.
  "GET MINE!", I shout. We have the same type of blood. We always looked alike in so many things. That's one more.
   "Miss, you are unable right now. Please, get some proper rest and come back. Then you will be able to donate.", she replies.
   "He is dying, I cannot leave! Do you understand?", I ask but I m not in a mind state to understand her.
   "If you donate now, you will faint!", she exclaims.
   "I don't fucking care!", I am crying. Being polite, is not any of my options.
   "We are doing our best, please, find someone who is able to donate", she insists and she leaves.

I am lost in space. You have noone else around but me. You have lost your parents since childhood. I am the only one here for you. And I am paralyzed. I am not allowed to give you my blood. F@ck.

I visit the bathroom, throw cold water on my face and I try to seem fresh as much as I can. I am shaking though. But, I sneak in the room of donations, acting like I just came. The tears in my eyes are obvious. I fill in the papers and the nurse is asking my medical background. She notices I m shaking and before I give the first drop for the test, she is asking if I have eaten or gotten enough sleep. I m struggling to remain calm as she is measuring my blood pressure and she is tells me I am too upset to proceed to the donation.
I tell her I ll be back and I m going for a walk around the building. Deep breaths. I am thinking of some nice places, but for God sake, you are there as well. Tears again. I m crying vividly, but then I m concentrating in your hug. You need me now more than ever. So do I. I want you back. Alive and smiling. I m struggling to get my mind away, only for a few minutes, just to pass the test. And I suceed.

I donated my blood and now I need to start calling for help from other people we might both know. The moment I stand up to reach my phone, the room around me fades away. I m off.

The next moment is consisted of the nurses around me. I dont know how much time passed, but I realise where I am. I m on a drip. But this is fine for me. I want to know if you are still alive, in the operation room. I want to run to you,  however I have no strength.

"Is he alive?", I m mumbling.
"Who?", they are of course confused.

I m getting up. They try to keep me there, I escape, by ripping the seroum. I must be pale, because I can notice some stares from people around. I m confused and lost, but somehow I manage to come back. I m on the phone with some friends, while I m roaming around the corridors, trying to find the waiting room for the operations. I arrive there and I see noone to ask information about you.

Fifteen horrible minutes later, I find someone and they tell me you are in the intensive care, so I m there the next moment. I m in a hurry to enter the room, but some doctor coming out is blocking my way.

He looks at me for a while and I am terrified. "Please, please do not tell me...", I m thinking.

He tells me to slow down and how the operation went. You are in a serious contition actually. There is a high possibility of complications and I should even be ready to lose you. How is he able to say that?

I need to see you. I need to spend every milisecond with you. I need to talk to you...

Eventually, I enter the room, crying uncontrollably. Those might be our last moments. And you are not exactly alive. You are in a coma and I m only existing. For no reason anymore.

I m looking at you. Full of wounds, blood and gauzes. The oxygen mask blurs in every breath you take. That' s how you assure me you are there, listening to my words : "I m here for you. I am waiting for you". I m repeating myself until I pass out on the chair.

Later, a noise wakes me up. The cardiograph is beeping continuously. I jump out of the room, screaming for help. The doctors run with the defibrillator. You are dying. There, in front of me.


I have no more courage to live anymore. They drag me out of the room, I cannot stand the whole scene. I m trying to fit a new, horrible reality in my mind. You, being absent. Me, being unable to bring you back.

Someone needs to tell me it is not happening. Please.... please...


As I am losing you, I am losing also myself. Where are you? I m looking into me for answers. I am breaking into pieces. I can see people come and go, running around, but I have no connection to the reality. Are they doctors or not, it does not matter. There is no noise anymore. Everything is in mute and slowed down. I can even feel the blood flow in my vains.

I would exchange half of my life right now... I would offer you some of my own life, so we could spend more time together. There are so many stuff we haven't done yet...

"Come back!", I keep repeating into my palms, looking the dead wall opposite of me.
"You are not dead", I am thinking. But, is that the truth? The suspense is killing me. I am so tensed, that I faint again...

I 'm missing you already.


1 comment:

  1. I almost cried... :( (Almost)... you have a unique way of writing... amazing :)

    ReplyDelete

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