I wish you...

 ...happy new year!

A wish:

 I just wanna feel loved.

Thoughts on life - Naked truth: Who I am

Living is a weird concept. 

You grow up, create a network of trusted people, have fun with them and even rely on them. But this is so fragile! People form couples. And suddenly you are third-wheeling. They move on and forget about you. You are left alone there, standing and looking at a "thing" that used to "be". Ghosts. Nothing more.

Do I fear neglect or am I only being too realistic? Nihilistic maybe? The more my life progresses the more I lose the gist of... finding a "balance". Everything's zero, sounds good. 

(Sexual) Relationships are also interesting. Everyone strives to find the other "one", some sort of common life-purpose. Everyone is supportive, right? Maybe even overly- supportive. Arranged marriages and other matchmaking initiatives, are the norm. You know two single people who you like? Put them together, "accidentally" but on purpose most of the times and few of them pre-informed, people like playing the role of a coach, or a "low- level god".

What happens to the unit, however? Remains solo as far as I m concerned. Put in a corner, labeled as "different" - not the most derogatory term, but let's not make it obvious, yes?- then forget about it.

I 'm living my life. In any way I am able to. Saying some "no's" here and there to avoid intimacy, because that harbors feelings and that's not good. It's not, because when these people move on, you are not in their "on", therefore ta-da you are left alone as I just described above. Seems like I am feeling fear of neglect.

Let's utilize the method of "why", as my roommate and dear friend taught me. I have adjusted it a bit.

- Why do I fear the neglect?

~ Because that's what I have been experiencing for the most part of my life.

- Why has this been happening?

~ Because whether people are assholes (in some cases, it is what it is, and cannot dig deeper) or I am too afraid to get close.

- Why are you afraid to get close?

~ Because this way people will see who I am and they will just reject me.

- Why do you think so?

~ Because they consider me weird- see above for the term "different".

- Why?

~ It's because I 'm battling lots of pain inside me and the only way to be ostensibly ok, is to have fun. As much as possible, even on inappropriate times - jokes only I understand, so to speak. Therefore, I 'm now able to form a connection with people who cannot understand me. Whether we are referring to the silly jokes and social awkwardness (it's a cycle) or to the pain that people haven't heard of. 

- Please elaborate.

~ People are unable to understand and feel the pain of losing your favorite brother, after not having talked to him for an extensive period of time. Carrying the guilt and the "I should have's" + the "what if's". And that just right after my mother was going in and out of the hospital battling blood cancer and not having a good prognosis on surviving. People don't understand how it is to have another issue on top of the aforementioned events: my father's car accident that kept him off work for about 1-2 months. People may have fallen victims of bullying at high school or so, but they cannot understand how it is to have cases within your family. People think that being the youngest must be the most magical thing ever, because they raise you as an entitled little bitch/princess, whereas in my case, I was a showcase piece that had to follow orders and be perfect and most important of all, try to grow up on your own due to other family issues...

- Go on, what else?

~ People have their own issues. True. But in my case I was the "mature" one from an early age. That in my head sounded good, till I grew up and understood that I lost my childhood which I am trying to claim back by being childish now. Too late, but I don't care. Mature, meant I had to be/ show that I am independent. I had not to care about other people's opinions about me. I had to be invisible at home, which had been a war zone multiple times. It was mostly in the evenings. Don't get me wrong, my dad was not an alcoholic. He was just the utmost authority for punishment (with physical threats) mostly against my teen brothers (back then at least). Which could nicely explain why my demons wake up after the sun is down.

-What else happens during the night, when the demons are awake?

~I close my eyes and my dead brother lays there, in the coffin, occasionally looking at me, having question I cannot answer but I want to. I hear my mother's screams echoing through my head. And I remember how out of everything I was back then. And then I think and feel guilty about how cold I was, emotionless. Only now, can I understand that I was just disassociated because I didn't know how to deal with my feelings. My first funeral. Life went down afterwards. I was just in adolescence, trying to figure out "who I am" and all these happened, so I had to also figure out how to be "appropriate" around my mom who would burst in tears by just listening to my brother's name. "Manos", is just echoing. And I miss him so much.

- Focus on the demons. What are they? What do they do or say?

~ They say that Manos died because of that fucking thought I had few hours before his passing. That I am responsible and I deserve to be punished. I am not worthy of love and that noone would even show up on my funeral, because noone would even miss me. That I am a loner. They are those who put the knife on my hand and whisper " do it". They hold my heart and squeeze the life out of it. It's these bastards who tell me to keep everyone away and that I shouldn't trust others. 

They keep throwing imagery to my head, trying to surpass my controls & defenses. It sometimes takes everything in me to just shut it down. I drown my thoughts in music, in company, in mindfulness, in alcohol, in .... anything. Just shut them up. I have to shout at them "not this time", but for how long will I keep escaping? I just wanna scream.

Side note: I can't go on anymore with the text. I am posting it as it is, in such raw form, because I cannot handle it further, it became too real.

Παιχνίδια απαγορευμένα - Λαίδη

Τραγουδάκι της Λαίδης που δε γνώριζα, αλλά ήρθε ταμάμ!

 

Stress and the looks of it

Stress. Everybody uses the word. Everyone understands pretty much what it is.

It is literally everywhere around us and it's safe to say that all have experienced it me more than once in their lifetime.

Probably some of you know that a part of my eyebrows turned white overnight (I swear, I remember) when I was just 23, doing my Erasmus in Liberec. It's nothing ugly, I m used to it and I find it quite nice occasionally. I mostly don't pay attention anymore. 

Same with some strands of hair on my head. This is way more common and there are people who turn completely gray in an early age. Rumours has it that genes play a role in this too.

Nail biting is another nasty demonstration. So many products have been developed to help people get over it. I m guilty of doing that too.

Something not much more rare than this is lip bitting. Honestly I cannot say that I see everyone doing it, but I know that I do it excessively. And it reaches the point where I bleed. The ugly turn it when it bleeds, I do it more. On purpose. And then I bear the pain until it heals, which doesn't take that long thankfully. However, it's a sign that something bothers my mind in a deeper level than "simple" stress. 

It's an exhibition of self harm.

Here, I said it.

It doesn't always look bad or intense. I realize though, that, unfortunately, it may look as herpes.

 And nobody speaks or questions about herpes (how rude!). The thing is noone speaks about self harm either.

If someone has a black eye, people tend to ask "who did this?" first. And then they may go to the "why?" if at all.

I would like to raise awareness on the matter of self harm. It is a real issue and the enemy of the person is the worst possible one : their own self. 

Mind demons are tough to battle. You can't see them and many times you don't even realize their existence. They are one with you and distancing yourself is a whole journey.

I know about it because my own demons made me break glasses and harm myself, drink alcohol, get isolated and feel alone and even play with knifes and fire a couple of times.

Bitting my lips is apparently the tip of the iceberg. One way I can attest to them that I know they are present, but I m not going to listen to them anymore. Or at least, not this time.

And that's how the story goes: not THIS time, for every of the times a demon smirks or winks at me. I then bite my lips, tuck them back in a box forcefully, lock it and throw the box once again in the back of my head's attic. Till next time they get loose and come to face me and whisper nonsense.

I have a message for them:

Not.this.time!

I 'm a mess- Bebe Rexha

 

Look at me, I am evolving!

They said "don't do it", "you can't", "you are not prepared".

But as always, I listened to no-one. I know myself, I know what I want to do and I am no longer blabbering. When I say "I want to do THAT" it means I am doing it and it 's only a matter of short time. 

Life is way too short to be wasted away to promises of "when X, then I will Z". Fuck it. Do it now.

What am I talking about? Oh, well, I took a stroll and I rode an old, rusty bike from Tilburg to Turnhout. Huh? Let me explain.

Tilburg (where I reside) = Netherlands

Turnhout (the destination) = Belgium

Yes, I crossed the borders on a bike. Why? Because I wanted to. Total ride: 40 klm one way. Stayed overnight (I m not an avid bike rider of course). 

Don't ask how long it took me, because honestly I was enjoying the nature. Let me walk you through and share my experience in this little private space of mine.

 You still don't believe that I did it? Oh well...

Anyway, let's start from the beginning:

In the edge of the city 

The weather forecast said it would be windy and rainy. They were mostly right. But I was also lucky to encounter sun and animals (that was not part of the weather forecast obviously, lol).

Moooooooooo

Oops

Did I say rusty bike? Yes, I did.

Mud everywhere, yay! (not)

I had my first stop at Alphen and it was the first uphill situation I encountered. Valid enough, there was a bridge to cross a busy street. 

I had some rest and lunch and avoided a good chunk of rain. Onwards to the borders. 

Eventually the next day I did some reading and it turns out that Baarle- Nassau is a very special place where the borders are kind of everywhere. Wikipedia says something about "exclaves", which in simple words, are bubbles of foreign territory in a country. In that particular town there are many of them (30). So yes, I was going in an out of two countries for some distance and therefore I saw the borders many times. Seriously, there was no way of me getting lost, because there was kind of no many ways of getting lost in a straight line (that was an accidental pick). 

Well, later I had a stop in the town of Turnhout to get a coffee and something for dinner (yes, I got chips, don't you dare judge me, Belgium is hella expensive) and I (not so) gracefully arrived finally at my destination, which was outside of the town (so, even further). Here is the room:

The next morning I had an amazing breakfast which was so worth it, even took a thing or two for the way:

And then I took off!

Singing Paola down the road:

Somewhere on the way I am signaling that I am ok, amidst storm and cold:

So, some of my readers come from places where a bike lane is a dream or even never heard of. Well, this is a quite crucial part in order to understand that my trip was safe. It was mostly nature and partially civilization:

look at the horsie! 

Enjoy some Belguim:

The only problem I have now is that my thirst is not quenched. I know that this was the first of many more trips to follow, with a bike, because this experience was only a test. 

I enjoyed my solitude, listened to many different books and encountered a bunch of different people and animals (deer, cows, sheep, alpacas!, horses etc). 

I also feel I leveled up because I was riding under rain for 40-45 minutes straight (no stop, but to wear an extra raincoat, which was not so much of help).  However, now I know which items I was missing and I may need in the future, as I passed by other countryside riders who were much better prepared for the storm. 

What do you think? 

Going on and going up!

At some point you stop making mistakes. Or when you do, they are not the same as they used to be. Life gets into a shape, where control is easier to be taken. You stop having others as priority and you prioritize what's necessary: you. You look inside and you dare. 

Dare doing all what you wanted. You dare reaching for the sky even when it feels unreachable. One step at a time. Sometimes though, you run up the full ladder. 

Soon...

15.04.2015

Dreams, an amazing world

   Following an extensive conversation last night, I got a night full of dreams. Those weird, non-sensical I used to get long time ago. Of course, now that I am a full time student, I understand that it is affected by... studying as the REM sleep kicks in to consolidate all the newly acquired information (true and amazing fact). 

   However, I still have to explore why I see the particular dreams that I see (one of my professors that I have mostly followed through videos- live and pre-recorded- and only briefly encountered while riding my bike on campus). I won't get into details of what I saw, because it won't make sense if I write it down. I prefer holding the images, dearly in my memory (!) along with any feelings produced. Who can blame me anyways? A sleeping person is passive of what they experience (see, feel, hear etc) during the REM sleep (smirk). So, let this world be untouched from the reality, we anyways get so much bullshit daily, that the dream world shall remain pure. A retreat. 

   I enjoy so much that lately I fall asleep while studying... So many times I had to get up and leave the laptop on my desk or woke up with the book next to my head, that I had to make some significant alterations on the "bed time" rituals: I now have to have my teeth brushed when I see that my energy level is going down and not wait till I "go to bed". Because if I fall asleep, it is then so damn hard to keep my eyes open even for extra 5 minutes. In short, this is a new experience, which explains quite some things that used to happen long time ago.

     For now, I have to go back to my books. Kisses.

Daydreaming

There are some nights, when I should be doing X, but I am doing XZ. Multitasking? Not even close. Most likely Z is taking my attention from X. 

I daydream. And I have a very particular scenario, where I sing on a stage. Not my karaoke songs of Ricky Martin, though, but a kind of particular playlist with Greek songs. I sing and I pour my heart out, in front of an audience. Sometimes the audience is very particular and some others it is random. 

But I have fun. 

Let me close this post with this indifferent song from Fiki (it 's a clip to be watched rather than listened to)

Late night thoughts

It's difficult being away from you. Difficult not to be able to look and touch you.

It's also hard to fit this new reality in my small brain. So many changes, so quick. 

You know, I live by myself, again. Like in Liberec. But everything is so different than then. 

Starting from my age, the amount of money I need to spend just to get by, moving on to the daily routine I have here (I m currently studying and not doing my internship in the local library of the university), ending to the fact that you are not here. The biggest part of the experience back then!

I feel so small, like I cannot comprehend the time passing around me; I 'd like it to pause for a while, for me to catch a breath. But then again, you can't have it all. My days are spent by riding a bike and doing trivial chores, such as shopping and cooking - speaking of which, I am indulging in instant noodles, just because I didn't do it on my first studies.

If anyone asks me what I am chasing, the obvious answer is "a better tomorrow", a not so obvious but personal truth is "knowledge" and some other stuff I gotta figure out with my psychologist in our sessions.

Look, I am moving on. 

Getting where?

As I was saying to a newly acquired but very dear friend, "I don't know where I am going to be". The question was if I am going back in summer. Where is back? 

I do everything in my life in another order. Sometimes I feel proud, just because I can. Though some nights I get so frustrated, because the path I select frequently (if not always), is the path that's not yet walked. And I have to live with the consequences. My nights have so many ups and downs, that I seem as a bipolar, however that's far from truth. 

Surely, the stress level fluctuates too, given that exams are around the corner (a week to be precise). Am I anxious? Not for the test day. I have taken and passed so many (interestingly I had failed only one during my lifetime), that the notion of anxiety for a test is funny on its own. Whether you know something or not. And as a grown adult, the consequences are just plainly in front of me. I think that's what used to make me anxious as a kid at least - not understanding the consequences, or misjudging them so much that it seemed like the end of the world. 

OH look again, I diverted the topic from pouring my heart out. It's not happening again. And don't you tell me that it's ok if I don't feel comfortable doing it. Nobody managed anything from their comfort zone.

Any choice is a risk. Relationships too. Any commitment is a risk. And no matter the ritual you go through with another person, if the love and caring is not there, the whole thing is over. 

Friendships go quite similarly. It takes two to tango. But for this tango, you need a rhythm, timing with the actual time. And it boils down to distance too.

Once more, I wrote so much, but not what all I wanted. As if the screen would ever get tired. I know nobody reads all this text anyways. I know because I rarely get comments.  But that is not my focus, because in a sense, these pages are a diary or my soul and I let you all in. 

Have a good night you out there.

Ήρθε ο καιρός (Κωστόπουλος), πιες πιες κ.α

 

Και μου μπαίνουν τρελές ιδέες, μου μπαίνουν!

Τι πάρτυ γίνεται απόψε, παρέα με το excel , οεο;

Σε λυπάμαι- Οικονομόπουλος

Ο καλός Οικονομόπουλος είναι ο παλιός Οικονομόπουλος! 

Throwback με αφορμή τα νέα του τραγούδια, που δε με έχουν ενθουσιάσει ακόμα, όπως και το απαράδεκτο μαλλί του.

Κουρέψου Νίκο!

 

Μια κυρία- Γαρμπή / ο απαγωγέας

 

Ήρθες στον ύπνο μου χθες, σαν εφιάλτης να σε φοβηθώ. Δε σε έχω δει ποτέ έτσι.

Μανιακός απαγωγέας.

Θέλησες να με απαγάγεις για να μου δείξεις το άλλο σου πρόσωπο. Ποιος είσαι.

Ή μήπως αυτός που πάντα ήσουν;

Δε θα μάθω ποτέ και για να είμαι ειλικρινής, δε θέλω. 

Έχει περάσει πια καιρός, βρίσκομαι σε μια άλλη χώρα και εσύ στο παρελθόν.

Και θα προτιμούσα να παραμείνεις εκεί.

Δεν είμαι σίγουρη τι σε ξύπνησε στο ασυνείδητό μου. 

Ίσως οι συνεδρίες μου.

Ίσως το περίεργο ταξίδι που έκανα πριν κοιμηθώ.

Ίσως...

Μα δε θα ήθελα να συσχετιστώ μαζί σου περαιτέρω. 

Έχουμε διαλέξει διαφορετικούς δρόμους, φίλους, ενδιαφέροντα, ζωές.

Οι επιλογές έχουν αντίκτυπο και είμαι σίγουρη επίσης πως θα ξαναβρεθούμε κάποια στιγμή, γιατί θα πρέπει η ζωή να μου δείξει τι απέγινε η δική σου πορεία.

Έτσι λειγουργεί με μένα. 

Κάποια στιγμή μαθαίνω τι απέφυγα.

The experience.

I just had the weirdest short trip in my life so far.

I 'm laying on the bed, chilling and preparing to just fall asleep, because I have been with little amount of sleep today. But I have no idea how, I think a song must have triggered it, my childhood ran through my fucking head. I was suddenly experiencing again, in an almost physical state, moments of my life that I vividly remember till today. Some photos came alive as well, as if it was my present.

Fully aware where I am and conscious of my surroundings, I did not manage to control few tears that ran on the pillow. My childhood fear of losing my mother was so alive and so sudden (I anyways have this fear every day) along with the regrets on the imperfect relation with my father... I wanted this invited trip to come to an end, but I just couldn't stop it.

Unexpected pain was felt. I also felt disassociated and then my memories seemed like they were leaving me. I had an odd feeling that they will disappear. Forever. I was afraid I will not be able to remember any of this, but then again, do I really want to recall all these unwanted messages?

They crumpled, like a paper does. They became a paper ball, like those we use to throw to a nearby bin, to test our basketball skills by using our latest draft. I saw all of them in a moment becoming one, getting wings and flying away...

And only then was I able to snap back to the reality and get up from the bed. I was not dreaming. I stopped the music, wiped the tears and here I am writing about those bizarre... 5 minutes? Or just 3? Or maybe 7 but no more. I remember there were two songs roughly played throughout this new experience.

Am I finding or losing my identity?

Inna - Flashbacks

 

Staring at the empty space of the page. I wanna feel it, but I m not sure where to start. Inna is playing on the background, reminding me of a life years ago. Something that was very different of today. Maybe simpler but back then probably felt way more complicated.

On another way of seeing it, I think that I have improved and moved so much more forward in my life, that I may be suffering from vertigo when I look back. 

I am the better version of myself. 

I am a weird mix of older knowledge and youthful spirit. But whatever it is, it is a greater "I". That's a non-stop game you have to keep playing. 

So far, I am winning. 

The trip has begun

Two years later, once again I meet with my consultant. She's a psychologist but the profession still has a negative connotation on it. I obviously don't care, since I am studying hard in order to become one myself. But people tend to draw conclusions easily, based on their limited experience and knowledge. That shouldn't bother me either, though I am working on it.

Have you ever heard the rumor that says that every psychologist needs one psychologist themselves before they start their work? (and maybe even during their working period)

That's exactly what I'm doing. I will be getting an assessment and support for god knows how long. Time to dive deeper. And next goal? To be mentioned in a book like the one I am sleeping on lately (literally): " Pioneers of psychology : a history" by Fancher and Rutherford.

All I m sure about is that I am on the right track. Some things have turned out much better than I thought and I dare say I am satisfied. I know the path I have chosen is not an easy one, but hey I keep talking about goals and guts.

Here I am then!

No fucks given, sorry

Time is passing normally and as a result, I grow up. It is a process that no-one has yet managed to stop. During this process, one accumulates knowledge and experience. In few cases, I will dare say that you acquire a"bird's-eye view" slowly, being able to check on situations and people with ease. 

The intuition (generally put when you can bond it with experience) is a sense that positively correlates with the age. The more you grow up the more you can trust it (stemming from experience, I repeat).

And the reason for that is all the shit you have been through. IF you have spent the time to analyze and understand the reasoning behind the experiences, most probably you have managed to internalize various external factors that led you to... "being you, today".

[further reading here: https://www.finkingma.com/en/the-internalisation-model-how-responsive-behaviour-is-born/]

However, a negative correlation occurs between the "older you get" and the "patience" you are left with. 

If I suppose that the average age of a female, white Greek woman is 84,5 years (directly taken from https://www.worlddata.info/life-expectancy.php), then I have just passed my 1 third of life. Grim talk? I don't think so!

On the same note, a 21 year old (taking it from the same average though) has just passed its 1 fourth of living. If you can understand math (which I won't explain here), you can extract that I possess - theoretically- more experiences and a better intuition that the 21 year old. 

So far, so good. Or not?

A person with less experience, intuition and knowledge is naturally inclined to seek answers (so that he can reach a better understanding of the world and social skills etc, let's sum it up as "knowledge"). As society - and me as part of it inevitably- we encourage this path. What we (I hope, or else I am alone) do not encourage is "smart asses" [ there, we get back to normal writing rather than a journal article tone].

And you know what? In the published research from Sawyer et al. (2018, p. 227), "The ages of 10–24 years are a better fit with the development of adolescents nowadays.". In simple words, the "adolescents" is a synonym for "teenagers", therefore until 24 years old, one can still be considered a "teenager". 

And what do teens do to me occasionally? They get on my nerves.

I have observed by my own experience as a teenager that usually:

1. They take for granted that they know it all (rationally impossible achievement).

2. They think they own the whole world and time (when the parents call their kids "prince" or "princess" they don't mean it literally, or at least it does not apply outside of the family boundaries).

3. As a consequence from number 2, they act entitled to whatever that brings along.

4. They have demands on EVERY SINGLE THING.

5. They think and act as if the rest of us are their puppets.

And the funniest of all so far:

6. They expect that the world would work like a clock: perfectly and non- stop (and that cycles back to 4 and often also to 5).

Obviously all the above are interconnected and if I start analyzing most probably I would have to devote a vast amount of years, so that I can properly explain why the aforementioned behavior is simultaneously positive and negative.

However, this is not a journal and I do not have so much of time, nor I really want to devote my precious time on that, as I 'm also confident there's a lot of related literature on this topic.

Apparently my so far experience in the Netherlands is going pretty well, since, as you can see, I could already produce a couple of lines on such a simple and complicated topic simultaneously. 

Though, the bottom line is that I am a tad far from adolescence (I am considered by "society" as a fully grown adult with all the "sundries" of responsibilities) and there is no going back (Fortunately? Unfortunately? Debatable). Therefore, as I have more important - defined by my age category- things to deal with, I conclude that I have inversely less fucks to give.

Reference(s): 

Eglitis, L. (n.d.). Average life expectancy by country. Worlddata.Info. Retrieved September 10, 2021, from https://www.worlddata.info/life-expectancy.php

Sawyer, S. M., Azzopardi, P. S., Wickremarathne, D., & Patton, G. C. (2018). The age of adolescence. The Lancet Child & Adolescent Health, 2(3), 223–228. https://doi.org/10.1016/S2352-4642(18)30022-1

Bibliography:

Kingma, F. (2018, January 24). The internalisation model – how we have created responsive behaviour. Fin Kingma - the Romantic Tester. https://www.finkingma.com/en/the-internalisation-model-how-responsive-behaviour-is-born/

Όταν πονάω το γλεντάω- First night in Prague

Here is a little video of my first night in Prague: late June 2017. Sudeep is recording from... the floor because we had no furniture yet. But what we had was good time. 

Really good time!

 The song (or rather its remix) that I was dancing to: 

Beethoven ~ Moonlight sonata by Valentina Lisitsa

The third movement (at 07:35 ) is magical.

Words are unnecessary, please enjoy.

 

PS. I don't miss you...

 ... not anymore.

Doing... what?

 It's almost 1 AM and I am studying.  Lectures have started, we are online for the moment and I am having the time of my life, learning about all the great Men (people) of the years and how the brain functions! Isn't it exactly why I came here? Oh yes, it is.

Surprisingly, I have no problem retaining the information, probably because as my boyfriend said, I like the topic. Although, I truly have to admit, we have an extensive syllabus to study and by not going freely to uni, I can't have the full student experience. All I am trying to say is that it may become tiring, especially in the winter days, where the light will be scarce ( I am not looking forward to this particular fact). 

On another note, I have made quite few friends and I have already met loads of people (do I remember all of their names? yeah, if we spoke more than 2 minutes, probably). I have participated in the student (?) fair and played amazingly entertaining games, getting a reminder that I am still young and I am getting a small "revenge" on life, by doing and getting all what I wanted to have when I was 19-20 (I guess).

I love my knowledge and although I may have plenty, I always want more. 

It amazes me how chill I have become (finally, duh?!), how nicely I can tackle some situations. 

Random facts:

~I live with another 3 girls from different countries (Croatia, Hungary and Brazil - again!)

~I don't know who started it, but we don't use 10% of our brains, because... our brains FUNCTION every millisecond! You are using your full capacity and therefore at all given times you are doing your best and I am proud of you! (not you M. please try harder)

~I try to live as minimalistic as possible. I don't mean that I don't own excess things, I do. But the rule is "if you ain't using it, get rid of it"

~I 'm gonna find a side job sooner than I thought (yeah, as if we didn't all know it). However, I am already doing some side gigs and feels good.

~In reference to the last phrase, I took part in a research study about decisions against other people. I had fun, no guilt. Go on Netflix and watch "100 humans" and also since you are there, if you check ""minimalism" , you 'll get a great video about it, providing enough explanations. 

~I started using my hands to do things around the house (tightened some screws, cleaned/ repaired/ organized few stuff and put DW-40 on EVERYTHING - no) and also outside of it (did some basic maintenance on the bike I got, cleaned/organized repaired the streets - just kidding on that last part).

I can say, life is good! Life is great!

Mark my words

If you don't like where you are, then move. You are not a tree!

~So, I did.  And I like it much better here.

~Like I did in September of 2015.

Here I am on my first day in Prague:

                                  And here I am on my last, 6 years later!

Still jumping. 

I can attest that I left with the same happiness I came. Good or bad? Neutral. It was just the last mark of a pen that completed a circle. 

Now, I am about to become a student again. A full new trip that I deserved and should have had years ago. But that's who I am, that strong m@th@f@ck@ who chases her dreams.

When I stepped into my room, one board was prominent, which was also the only thing from the decorations that stayed:

"Dream it. Wish it. Do it"

~It could not be more "me", more for me~

And here is a part of Tilburg:

More stories to come, soon!

That's it

 I did it. I am in Tilburg!

Once I get a laptop I will return to post more details!

One week left

 It's Thursday. Next Thursday is my flight, if everything goes well.

I have mixed feelings. Very mixed. 

I m leaving my cat behind- one more cat, one more time. At least, this time I know she's definitely in good hands, and not with anyone who may or may not be a psycho  (like last time).

I am leaving the known life, which although it sucks culturally and culinarily, it is still the known. Off we go to a new adventure.

On another topic, covid sucks for me like it sucks for pretty much everyone. Vaccination or not, quarantine or not, masks or respirators... I am just tired trying to be up to date with the regulations and the constant changes, along with the fear of unknown (unknown dates, regulations and all these).

I m living behind my most beloved. It sucks. Balls. 

And I don't know who will be there for the future me. Who will be standing near me, next to me physically. Confusion.

For the good feelings now...

I am going to meet SO MANY PEOPLE! I have already had and therefore I am in touch with a double digit of them. These people will become 3D, will get a voice, a face, a smile! And how many more won't I meet in the upcoming months? Heck, even my flatmates might be super duper awesome this time!

The studying! The BOOKS! THE LIBRARIES!!

Besides this, I am following my dreams and my heart's wishes. I will fall closely. I am...

...Shooting for the stars...

Entitlement

I spare time for people in my life. I spend this time on them, for them.

Some of them abuse this privilege, walk away in any sense you can think of and then they are surprised I don't let them back in. 

Due to the limitation of time in one's lifetime, the chances will be given with greater care from now on. Take it and use it or leave it. But once left, you are left too.

Goodbye!

3 weeks

 And few days...

New life, new studies, new worries...

Time to relax

Finally 😎

 

Hello July

July is already here. That means that I have another one month to live as an official part of Czech Republic. I am looking forward to part ways with this weird country.

The experience has been one of a kind. But the taste is pretty bitter and sour. The food quite tasteless and the culture very unappealing. There is barely wish for knowledge, advance and development. Speaking a second language is unimaginable and considered almost a sin.

I am looking forward to trying new things and learning basic Dutch. The time ahead of me, will be full of surprises and... studying.

Just how are you coping?

You need to have some techniques in your pocket for those moments when the world is a little too stimulating.

Grounding? Counting? Touching?

Anything. Let's randomly explain quickly the counting. It is not what you think. No,I will not ask you to count backwards from ten, because that is a recommendation for anger and for me doesn't work that well. If it does for you, great! Keep counting, or even better, stop getting angry...

But this counting is about counting objects around you. Are you on the way? Count cars. In a building? Count doors or windows. In a room? Count furniture.

An alternative to this is to name the colours. Blue, green, aqua... It's even better if you can let yourself just go with the flow of the thoughts of " could that be pink or purple? Fuschia maybe?" 

A level more advanced is to connect or recall a happy memory related to the colour. Blue, for vacation, gray for rain (if you like rain), orange for sunset, pink for those amazingly smelling bed linens your mom put on the bed, black for your favourite (motor)bike etc..

Keep these techniques into your pocket, just in case.

And do not forget: practice, practice, practice.

Ava Max

We all need that someone

Who gets you like no one else

Right when you need it the most

We all need a soul to rely on

A shoulder to cry on

A friend through the highs and the lows 

For my new friend in this amazing adventure that is starting in August.

What are you grateful for today?

 I cooked a recipe from Youtube (zucchini in the oven like fried) and the weather is great! My kitty is doing fine and she is a sweetheart to me. 

Last but not least, I am excited once again for the upcoming adventure!!  

Not okay day- audio

Abnormal breathing. Suffocating. 

I feel like there's not enough oxygen today. 

Some hormones in my head (in the literal way) are imbalanced. They play games. That makes me feel low. Some sadness is apparent in the background and irritability. 

But not the whole day!

The sense of time seems to be crumbled and somewhere far. Out of my head.

Days in, days out. Few moments I survive and those others I see everything around me through liquid. Those days or moments I make it a point to complete a task. Any task.

And oh dear god, it is so difficult. But the aftermath pleases me. I have one extra thing off my list.

Earlier I dragged myself for a walk. Just 2 km. Just the fresh air.

My work makes me miserable for some minutes. I don't hate it and that's the funny part.

I may, however, dislike some people in my company.

At least I am leaving. Officially.

And I kind of hope I won't work for another big corporation like that again. Yikes.

For those few who may want to experiment with something different, you could possibly wear earphones/headphones and listen to this

https://youtu.be/vz5NN-TKtQE

If you manage to let yourself go with the flow of his voice, start noticing how his voice trails off... Pay attention to the different tones for a while. For another while, notice the piano. How deep in the melody can you go? How long can you concentrate? 

I have enjoyed it maximum in a dark room, with few candles, noise cancellation headphones and some light incense. Volume up, eyes closed and light chiming.

Trance. The real thing.

What matters? (Mindfulness)

 Seriously, what matters to you? Have you ever considered that all the stuff you give a fuck about may not even deserve a single fuck?

I had some situation today. Let's call it a misunderstanding, which made my blood almost boil. But then I remembered.

"Stop, drop and roll" in case you are on fire.

What about the inside? You cannot put out an internal fire by rolling...

In that case, stop.

Literally, stop whatever you are doing or engaging in.

Drop.

The attitude, the action and furthermore the thoughts. How do you manage that fucking last one?

Roll.

Scan your thoughts. Ask yourself "does it even matter?" Do not skip the word "even", ask it with attitude. If you have time in your hands, you can also ask the reason it matters, but if you feel you are spiralling into a dead end, leave that part out.

Maybe do a body scan if it helps you. Locate the burn, the stress, the upset. Is it head? Is it chest? Alright, keep that.

Next classic move is to ask if it will matter in few days, then weeks and then years. Using the prism of time offers the big picture and a different perspective of the importance of life.

In these cases, it is probably for the best that we are not the centre of the universe. So, it WON'T matter.

Make yourself important, busy with only the finest of the life matters. Find your purpose and weed out anything that's not aligned.

Search inside yourself and if you have difficulty, then ask your mirror. What do you want?

Now, go get it.

Mindfulness practice

I met few people the last weeks. Virtually and physically. 

Some of them from work, the neighborhood and some from the prospect studies. 

All of them have one thing as common: they want to be happy.

Some of them have another common factor: stress 

And some of them have also panic attacks.

Coincidentally I completed a mindfulness training for second time recently (offered by my company- one of the most successful & popular trainings we sell to customers). So I thought of sharing some techniques with you. I won't go much deep into details, you can find a ton of info online.

Try this: A Cycle of Deep Breath with focus on how it feels in your body.

Do your lungs expand? Do you feel too stiff? Would you like to calm yourself?

Find a question that can work for you and use this technique, pretty much everywhere. Closing your eyes is not even necessary and therefore noone has to know that you are "meditating".

Scientifically proven, meditation helps the production of serotonin, the happiness hormone, so give yourself a boost of that as many times during the day as you please!

Congrats, you just completed the first task! 

Ζερβάκης - το μηδενικό

 

Enisa madness

 

If everything goes well and planned, what will your life be like in 5 years?

 (Journaling) 

   So here I am, holding my Bc in Psychology and waiting to defend my thesis for my Research Master's. After I step out of this room, I will be officially a psychologist. I can now be more confident about the result of my PhD application, which I am sure is going to be a positive response -therefore acceptance. I have finally all the tools needed for publishing my my amazing opinions about the functions of the brain. 

   In two months, I have to attend and speak about it to a conference that I was invited as an honoring speaker. Seems like my presence is a big deal. I am important. I am someone. Already!

   On the side I prepare keynote presentations and I have already travelled to Japan and Canada. Both beautiful professional trips and experiences. I met a load of people, many of which were highly educated, scholars and important in my field. Collaborations are already being discussed for future publications. People seek my opinion and sometimes my name on the internet.

   Soon enough, I will have my own long list of publications and references to my work and name. This will slowly let me penetrate some of the universities as an assistant, where I can work and learn even more, so that I can be prepared to teach the future generations as a professor. 

   I am glad enough that I have surrounded myself with friends and colleagues of prestige and knowledge. No more toxic people, no more drama. Only success and happiness. 

I MADE IT!

Good night strange world

 "She craved love, to be accepted.

She wanted friends, wisdom.

  She needed a hug, a shoulder to cry on.

She wished for hope and dreamed on."

New style!

How badass!

Accidental good shot last evening. 

Meet my new "me":

 

The ... Duchess and other movies

Hey,

Lately I have developed a taste for movies of an old era. Those with the difficult and complicated English. Funnily, some of them not only haven't gotten greek subtitles but not even English ones. It is surely a fun activity, especially when I sit there wondering what the actual heck they might mean by something they said.

Anyways, two of the latest I watched was "Pride and Prejudice" and "The Duchess". The first was a bomb, like I still wonder how the book may have looked like, however I have no interest in reading it, as I have a dozen others in my list. In regards to the second one, I have to say that it was immensely more interesting when I -mid watch- read online the real story of it. We are speaking of a historical person, who existed Devonshire, UK. Quite unique situation, which taught me furthermore some peculiar details of the era's society. I recommend should you have such tastes.

Another one I watched, based again on the book of Jane Austen, was "Sense and Sensibility". I think the basic reason I watch these are the costumes. I couldn't even recognize the actors (not that I have any deep or long knowledge but Google revealed that one of the guys was Hugh Grant, a name I have heard before, but couldn't out a face on).

Besides this new activity (I am not fan of cinema and movies as it sometimes can be just a loss of precious time), I keep being stuck on my books and precisely the audiobooks. Have found a couple of good readers and later I search based on them. Most of the books are still around psychology, although lately I have indulged in some articles of various content, such as astronomy, zoology and automotive news. Haven't I mentioned again how versatile I am?

I enjoy this last activity, when the weather permits, while I cycle on my (cheap) bike. For three weeks we had continuous rain and cold which left me upset as I couldn't enjoy the outdoors more. For now I hope the sunshine can last a bit longer, so I can go for adventures on the two wheels.

Hmm, who took this shot?

The time is coming

Results are in, on Friday. Accommodation is booked and paid, files are in hand, flight ticket sponsored and my list of items for the suitcases is almost complete.

Last piece: the resignation. My employer is already informed, although I am handing in the document on Friday by EOB officially too. Excited? Absolutely nuts! (like those I m currently munching on)

I am lately busy with various activities, one of them is the reading/ listening to some amazing book titles, trying out and finishing few Xbox games (including Tony Hawk, "the council" and some Assassin's Creed). My cat has been sick as well, so we had a couple of visits to the vet, where she got double injections every time- the poor little thing.

Besides all these, I have finally gotten my certification in Clinical Herbal Medicine (Western and Chinese)! I had to study and pass the last tests, but I made it! 

Furthermore, I am arranging the last things for my remaining stay in the Czech Republic, so I am accumulating the necessary paperwork (example the end of my current lease) and other small details of my daily life in this city. 

Moving countries. That's it.  I am doing it and I am still within the big plan of my life.

Although there is a big change in those plans, it's purely positive. I m going to study and realize my dream. 

Nothing can stop me. 

Tilburg, see you in August. 

Πίνουμε λέμε

 

Να κάνω και μια μεγάλη αφιέρωση σε αυτό το σημείο:

Κι ένα τραγούδι από το πρώτο μου πτυχίο, που θυμίζει έναν πρώην:

21.51 Το τραγούδι της πρώτης μου σχέσης:

21.54 άλλη αφιέρωση, σε πρώην, κάργα

21.57 έχω φύγει σου λέω....

21.59 

22.01 

22.04  έτσι, γιατί πιστεύουμε και στο κάρμα. Μπροστά σου θα το βρεις, ρεμάλι!

Πάμε να βάζουμε αλκοόλη στο ψηλό!

22.10 

22.13 κρατάτε μυστικό;

22.16 πες τουυυυυ λέμε!

Κι επειδή κάνουμε ότι δουλεύουμε αύριο, ένα τελευταίο.

22.21:

* Η λίστα ανανεώνεται καθώς ρέει το αλκοόλ

Χαιρετίσματα

 

A throwback to JLo

Η νύχτα είναι μοιραία - Και τώρα κορίτσια;

 Προηγούμενο μέρος εδώ: Η νύχτα είναι μοιραία- "Ας ήταν όνειρο"

Η Άννα συναντάει τα δύο κορίτσια στο γνωστό καφέ οπού την πηγαίνει ο Αλέξανδρος. Αφού χαιρετιούνται, εκείνος φεύγει.

-Τελικά ρε συ είστε μαζί; ρωτά η Λίζα.

-Ε, βλεπόμαστε που και που αλλά όχι, δεν είμαστε μαζί, της απαντάει σύντομα και περιεκτικά ενώ λοξοκοιτά τη Σοφία.

Η ώρα περνά με νέα και καφέ, ενώ αργότερα πηγαίνουν μια βόλτα όλες μαζί. Η Λίζα τις αφήνει μόνες για να επιστρέψει στην δική της ρουτίνα κι έτσι οι δύο κολλητές φίλες έχουν λίγο περισσότερο ιδιωτικό χρόνο. 

-Για πες μου, τελικά, τι γίνεται; τη ρωτά. 

-Μη νομίζεις οτι ξέρω, λέει στεγνά εκείνη.

-Δηλαδή; Εγώ τον βλέπω οτι ψήνεται και μάλιστα θα έλεγα πολύ.

-Ναι, το πρόβλημα δεν είναι ο Αλέξανδρος. Γι αυτόν καλά τα λες. Αλλά να... ο Αλκιβιάδης είναι ξανά στη ζωή μου. Δηλαδή, όχι... Δηλάδη δεν ξέρω.

-Δεν καταλαβαίνω τίποτα, μπορείς να μου εξηγήσεις κανα δυο πράγματα;

-Ναι, σωστά, δεν σου έχω πει οτι ήρθε για να μου ζητήσει συγνώμη μάλλον και μετά...

-Κατάλαβα, βγάλατε τα μάτια σας.

-Ακριβώς, λέει κοιτάζοντας στο κενό.

-Και τώρα;

Την κοιτάζει και μονάχα σκέφτεται. Σιωπή. 

-Θεωρείς οτι υποκρίθηκε;

-Δεν ξέρω… Παίρνει τηλέφωνα, αλλά δεν απαντώ. Κι έκανα το ίδιο και στον Αλέξανδρο, ώσπου ήρθε σπίτι νωρίτερα.

-Εντάξει, δικαίωμά σου αυτό.

-Ναι, αλλά…

-Ξέρω. Δεν ξέρεις. 

-Κι ο Αλέξανδρος θέλει να πάμε ξανά όλοι για καραόκε. Το φαντάζεσαι;

-Ουπς...

Το κινητό της Άννας χτυπάει και παρατηρεί οτι είναι ο Σωτήρης. Διστάζει, οπότε η Σοφία την παρακινεί. 

-Που χάθηκες, εσύ; τη ρωτάει ως πρώτη κουβέντα.

-Ε, να, πολλή δουλειά Σωτήρη μου, του αποκρίνεται.

-Ναι, ασε τα αυτά σε μένα, κι έλα για καφέ σε μίση ώρα στο γνωστό μέρος. Έχουμε θέματα να συζητήσουμε. 

-Εντάξει, λέει και κλείνει τη γραμμή.

When anxiety kicks in, Sabaton can combat it

 

Πότε θα έρθεις- Παναγιωτίδης Θέμης

 

Why people

Why do people "pretend" to be busy or create their own rules that you should magically know?

It's only expected that they would feel as the most important person in the world, while they are not. Human nature.

But why?

The IELTS

Tomorrow is my first exam, after many many years (without counting the entrance exams of psychology).I have a mixture of excitement for getting back to the desks but I am also nervous for the topics that I will encounter. I have studied, I speak English daily and have many international friends, but damnit an exam is an exam.

Today I had some big bad luck, but managed to save it last minute, so I am still a tad shaken by that.

In any case, the day has come and the results will come in after 14 days. Whatever I studied, I studied!

A top skill

 To know thyself is the too skill for success and confidence. You should know your good and bad attributes. You pick the bad and work on improving them.

But knowing thyself can lead you to the correct path of self improvement, self control and esteem.

What you believe about yourself is what matters the most and not the opinion of the masses.

Nobody can know you better than you do, so stop telling lies to yourself trying to convince for this and that. Self sabotage hasn't helped anyone.

And don't forget. Simply: You... Is you.

Για να μην ξεχνιόμαστε

 

Hiya

   Everything is fine!

 

In case...

 ... Someone needs to see that: 

They won't text, go to bed.

The past and the fights

Sometimes the past comes your way to give you answers. It knocks on the door and it's up to you to reply and take the chances.

It's not pain free, so answer the knocks responsibly.

 

  On the other side though, there are those times when you go on a hunting quest: for the truth and reconciliation of memories.

 Pick your weapons wisely.

And most importantly, pick your fights and don't drain your energy on those with no reward.

Blind and Frozen

 Amazing vocals. Amazing lyrics and pretty cool video clip

New day

Weird weather, but it's Friday. The dreams have started hitting on.

New flatmates, new friends, new place.

I m looking for what will make the transition easier,more stable. The bike that I will have? I doubt, as I do not have one yet waiting for me there.

I have seen my room and I visualize myself being again with another three girls. I have done it in the past. I have also been very excited for this transition.

The Netherlands is the dream country! I have worked hard in order to achieve being in this path.

Four very difficult years await for me from now on. Three of the bachelor's and one for the master's. But I have faith this time. In me.

I ll manage it. Because I have done it again and again and I know myself that nothing keeps me from my dreams. Be it as difficult as it may wish.

I ll do it.

I am doing it.

The voice

Do you ever forget somebody's voice?

If so, how can you? 

Or maybe what if I want to preserve it for more?

Please, give me the answer.

On your bed- Preslava

I am going through a Bulgarian / Turkish phase. Clearly.

Here one of my newly discovered Bulgarian songs.

I love, so goddamn love the aggressive lyrics (yes, the translation). 

I have a thing for accents and I like to pretend to sing them, but his one is one of those that I would really like to actually sing.

 

Καλλιτέχνης: Preslava (Преслава)

• Τραγούδι: В твоето легло
• Μεταφράσεις: Αγγλικά, Ισπανικά, Ρουμανικά, Τουρκικά
• 
  
• V tvoeto leglo

"Prokleta kuchka" - taka me narichash,

no sǎshtata tazi ti davashe vsichko.

Togava beshe napǎlno dovolen,

bez mene se vlachish sega kato bolen.

 

"Prokleta veshtica! Neshto mi pravi!" -

predi ti go praveh, no bǎrzo go zabravi.

I vsichko davashe da sǎm do tebe.

Sega nyamash nishto - taka e sled mene.

 

V tvoeto leglo byah boginyata,

togava byah perfektna, nenadminata.

Vinovna za vsichko sega me narichash,

napusnah te - tova li e prichinata?

 

v tvoeto leglo...

 

"Taya veshtica prokleta neshto pravi mi sega" -

znam govoril si taka.

Pravih ti go mnogo predi i haresvashe go ti,

a sega zabravil si.

 

Kakva li ne uspya da me izkarash,

intrigi kolkoto shtesh da mi vkarash.

No shtom zatvorish samoten vratata,

lyubovta shte ti prǎska glavata.

 

"Prokleta kuchka" - taka me narichash,

no sǎshtata tazi ti davashe vsichko.

Togava beshe napǎlno dovolen,

bez mene se vlachish sega kato bolen.

 

V tvoeto leglo byah boginyata,

togava byah perfektna, nenadminata.

Vinovna za vsichko sega me narichash,

napusnah te - tova li e prichinata?

 

V tvoeto leglo...

 

Pasvah ti na glupostite - idealno luda byah,

nay-lyubimiya ti gryah.

Greshnata sega sǎm bila - ti sega li go razbra?

S men li beshe do sega?

 

Kakva li ne uspya da me izkarash,

intrigi kolkoto shtesh da mi vkarash.

No shtom zatvorish samoten vratata,

lyubovta shte ti prǎska glavata.

 

"Prokleta kuchka" - taka me narichash,

no sǎshtata tazi ti davashe vsichko.

Togava beshe napǎlno dovolen,

bez mene se vlachish sega kato bolen.

 

"Taya veshtica prokleta neshto pravi mi sega" -

predi ti go praveh, no bǎrzo go zabravi.

I vsichko davashe da sǎm do tebe,

sega nyamash nishto - taka e sled mene.

 

V tvoeto leglo byah boginyata,

togava byah perfektna, nenadminata.

Vinovna za vsichko sega me narichash,

napusnah te tova li e prichinata?

 

V tvoeto leglo byah vǎlshebnica,

Zabravi vsichko hubavo za sedmica.

Vinovna sǎm samo pri teb,

che me nyama, i nyama kak da minesh taya granica.

 

V tvoeto leglo!

From https://lyricstranslate.com/el/v-tvoeto-leglo-your-bed.html