I wish you...

 ...happy new year!

A wish:

 I just wanna feel loved.

Thoughts on life - Naked truth: Who I am

Living is a weird concept. 

You grow up, create a network of trusted people, have fun with them and even rely on them. But this is so fragile! People form couples. And suddenly you are third-wheeling. They move on and forget about you. You are left alone there, standing and looking at a "thing" that used to "be". Ghosts. Nothing more.

Do I fear neglect or am I only being too realistic? Nihilistic maybe? The more my life progresses the more I lose the gist of... finding a "balance". Everything's zero, sounds good. 

(Sexual) Relationships are also interesting. Everyone strives to find the other "one", some sort of common life-purpose. Everyone is supportive, right? Maybe even overly- supportive. Arranged marriages and other matchmaking initiatives, are the norm. You know two single people who you like? Put them together, "accidentally" but on purpose most of the times and few of them pre-informed, people like playing the role of a coach, or a "low- level god".

What happens to the unit, however? Remains solo as far as I m concerned. Put in a corner, labeled as "different" - not the most derogatory term, but let's not make it obvious, yes?- then forget about it.

I 'm living my life. In any way I am able to. Saying some "no's" here and there to avoid intimacy, because that harbors feelings and that's not good. It's not, because when these people move on, you are not in their "on", therefore ta-da you are left alone as I just described above. Seems like I am feeling fear of neglect.

Let's utilize the method of "why", as my roommate and dear friend taught me. I have adjusted it a bit.

- Why do I fear the neglect?

~ Because that's what I have been experiencing for the most part of my life.

- Why has this been happening?

~ Because whether people are assholes (in some cases, it is what it is, and cannot dig deeper) or I am too afraid to get close.

- Why are you afraid to get close?

~ Because this way people will see who I am and they will just reject me.

- Why do you think so?

~ Because they consider me weird- see above for the term "different".

- Why?

~ It's because I 'm battling lots of pain inside me and the only way to be ostensibly ok, is to have fun. As much as possible, even on inappropriate times - jokes only I understand, so to speak. Therefore, I 'm now able to form a connection with people who cannot understand me. Whether we are referring to the silly jokes and social awkwardness (it's a cycle) or to the pain that people haven't heard of. 

- Please elaborate.

~ People are unable to understand and feel the pain of losing your favorite brother, after not having talked to him for an extensive period of time. Carrying the guilt and the "I should have's" + the "what if's". And that just right after my mother was going in and out of the hospital battling blood cancer and not having a good prognosis on surviving. People don't understand how it is to have another issue on top of the aforementioned events: my father's car accident that kept him off work for about 1-2 months. People may have fallen victims of bullying at high school or so, but they cannot understand how it is to have cases within your family. People think that being the youngest must be the most magical thing ever, because they raise you as an entitled little bitch/princess, whereas in my case, I was a showcase piece that had to follow orders and be perfect and most important of all, try to grow up on your own due to other family issues...

- Go on, what else?

~ People have their own issues. True. But in my case I was the "mature" one from an early age. That in my head sounded good, till I grew up and understood that I lost my childhood which I am trying to claim back by being childish now. Too late, but I don't care. Mature, meant I had to be/ show that I am independent. I had not to care about other people's opinions about me. I had to be invisible at home, which had been a war zone multiple times. It was mostly in the evenings. Don't get me wrong, my dad was not an alcoholic. He was just the utmost authority for punishment (with physical threats) mostly against my teen brothers (back then at least). Which could nicely explain why my demons wake up after the sun is down.

-What else happens during the night, when the demons are awake?

~I close my eyes and my dead brother lays there, in the coffin, occasionally looking at me, having question I cannot answer but I want to. I hear my mother's screams echoing through my head. And I remember how out of everything I was back then. And then I think and feel guilty about how cold I was, emotionless. Only now, can I understand that I was just disassociated because I didn't know how to deal with my feelings. My first funeral. Life went down afterwards. I was just in adolescence, trying to figure out "who I am" and all these happened, so I had to also figure out how to be "appropriate" around my mom who would burst in tears by just listening to my brother's name. "Manos", is just echoing. And I miss him so much.

- Focus on the demons. What are they? What do they do or say?

~ They say that Manos died because of that fucking thought I had few hours before his passing. That I am responsible and I deserve to be punished. I am not worthy of love and that noone would even show up on my funeral, because noone would even miss me. That I am a loner. They are those who put the knife on my hand and whisper " do it". They hold my heart and squeeze the life out of it. It's these bastards who tell me to keep everyone away and that I shouldn't trust others. 

They keep throwing imagery to my head, trying to surpass my controls & defenses. It sometimes takes everything in me to just shut it down. I drown my thoughts in music, in company, in mindfulness, in alcohol, in .... anything. Just shut them up. I have to shout at them "not this time", but for how long will I keep escaping? I just wanna scream.

Side note: I can't go on anymore with the text. I am posting it as it is, in such raw form, because I cannot handle it further, it became too real.

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