Feel stuck in life

The last few months, I see progress but I do not feel it. It may come from comparison of myself to others, but then again, others do not have a blog for a decade! 

I see own trip, through my own words throughout a long period of time when I go back and re-read my posts. I don 't do that often; maybe I should. As a booster. Everyone needs a booster occasionally. It is medically proven! (studies payback bitch!)

And now I am thinking that my future self is going to read this passage some time, because of the fancy title of course. So, I have to have something good to give him. 

Ah yes, myself is a male. No, I am not a male, I am a female. Myself only, when I refer to me, I am a man. Always have been and will always (?) be !? Dunno, stick with this for now. 

My pronouns? The heck? I just told you I am a woman, I m not going to that rabbit hole now as this is not my intention to touch upon this topic.

Anyway, as I was saying... Do I maybe have ADHD on top of everything else, or is that just me watching at the imaginary birds outside of the window? Only my therapists knows...

Anyway 2, I wanted to give something to my future self, so let us do some introspection, shall we?

What have I done the last 2 years of my life? 

• I applied to my current university (Tilburg university for psychology)
• I got accepted
• I left my job
• I moved countries
• I moved within the country to a different apartment
• I traveled to Prague, Greece and Belgium multiple times
• I biked to Belgium
• I worked odd jobs and answered a bunch of questionnaires for my studies (sona experiments for those who know)
• I passed my first year successfully albeit the height of the problems I faced during the exams
• I found a proper job
• I got engaged
• I got a scooter (and a helmet)
• I upgraded the scooter, twice (not my fault once of it)
• I failed some of my exams - expected...
• I cleaned my room/apartment a gazillion of times (why not mention it?!)
• I got 4 wigs
• I got a haircut and got rid of all my hair
• My style changed - expected too
• I have my first appraisal tomorrow - wish me luck
• I learnt statistics - on this trip currently
• I became more organized because of statistics and work
• I got more certifications (on body language reading and accounting)
• I wrote so many blogposts and actually for the first time of my life I finished one story (the fatal night, go check it here! (with google translate) )
• I started smoking - oh god, why
• I bought my own furniture and made my own space
• Started therapy
• stopped therapy 
• started new therapy with medications - and finally understood my life! 

and I still do not feel the progress. Is my life stuck on pause somehow? 

What do I need to move forward?

I think my complaint is more about my studies. Maybe I should have renamed the title as "feel stuck in studies" but this discovery came after I completed the above list, so the title stays! 

So, the complaint: I used to know so much about people. I used to read people like an open book. I was feeding on my experiences and was thinking of becoming a couples' counselor. But now all this energy is lost behind demotivation to study. I have a best friend here, Stefana. She is THE BEST in the studies! She is able to apply the knowledge immediately. And I see I am unable to do so! Why? Why is my own brain so stuck?

Sometimes I feel like hanging out with the youngsters who study this for the first time is a piece of cake, that I know better than them, but some other times I learn so much more from them! This is where I am lost. I wanted to be the "teacher". I have the life experience and the knowledge, right? I am 30. And age is just a number, and a number is just your age and I know that sh*t, but I do not want to accept it so I move on with that. Simple.

Often I catch myself ruminating and comparing myself with others (thanks BPD), and then my self esteem lowers. And lowers... And then I have days like this one, where I can only throw at you psychological facts that my brain very slowly and belatedly put together (yeah thanks brain). No matter how much I sleep, it does not seem to help.

And now I m behind on my studies, and I blame myself for not being able to focus and then I say "stop pushing me, I need a break" and then I take a break and feel even more guilty to have that well- deserved break. But I said it. It is well-deserved. I m on track with my studies till today, as long as we only speak about the content and not what all I have actually learnt. From this week on, it seems like I will fall behind, but that s why I have a small plan, right?!

On another topic, I want to start taking more care of myself, so I bought some face masks, engage more on LinkedIn (it is a personal wish), put more make up on (finally my lips are almost healed), wear better clothes and sleep in pajamas. Simple stuff.

I think I am starting right now with a hot bath! Bye! 

Update before the exams

Studying and working is exhausting. Studying itself is exhausting. My grades plummeted since I started working, as the life-work balance is disturbed. Nothing can be done about that of course. I try to find any medication (herbal, mind you), that may help me concentrate, but the last few days, I find myself unable to focus and find my motivation. 

This is normal, some might say. And I may agree with them. We are past the mid of the block (one semester in my studies has two blocks, which means that after each block I m giving exams). We are approaching the first exam actually. It is on 15th of December. 

I need a break. 

A serious break though. I need to find a nice resort, escape from everything and hide there for just a week, with margaritas in my hand. 

Actually, no margaritas as I don 't prefer them. You may noticed in my last story that I prefer whiskey or mojitos or whatever cocktails. But not margaritas as I avoid salt in my diet. Nothing new, I do it since teenagerhood. I prefer the natural flavors of foods and drinks, although I use it to enhance the taste- as salt shall be used technically.

I made a Facebook post. A short one, on how drained I am mentally. I don't post much on Facebook though. It did not go viral or fly or anything, but it was good enough for the moment to vent. And this is the closest to a break I can have. My blog, my social media. 

Last night I was supposed to meet friends, but the timing was no good for me, so I stayed home and dozed off with the lights on, the door unlocked (it opens from the outside as well, like a room door!), clothes on and mugs with coffee, energy drink, juice and what not around, to try and give me the much needed energy to continue. I woke up multiple times. None of them had I had the energy to go to my bed. 

Is this depression saying hi? No, not on my watch bitch! 

That anyway cannot happen as I m on antidepressants anyway. Unless they stop working. Which would mean that my BPD would flare up. Or is it?

I had a haircut yesterday again: A maw-hawk after whole life (almost) dreaming of having one. The piercings are fake but they make me feel stronger and they encompass the whole style. Punk, was what I was called by my father. 

"Did you turn a punk?" he asked. 

Yes! kind of. 

He thought I am late to the trend, but do these stuff have a timing? I never liked being in fashion --> this is my rebellion against the world I suppose. 

My best friend supports me, which is very nice. He recommended I actually do the piercings, but I have to avoid such actions. The needles make me gag (not literally). 

I had an amazing dream last night my dear friend. 

I was in a sunny resort, full of swimming pools, waterfalls, amazing decorations and a safari near by! I saw lions, tigers (my favourites) swimming (why!? Dunno), snakes (i hate those but whatever, they were in the nature) and a play room full of gaming machines. I was going around collecting all the coins that other players had left and then I found a game that required a couple of people to play it together. 

Maybe this is how some people get their ideas- from dreams! And then they wake up and they are like "I m creating this thing!". And they do. 

And I m here instead, sitting, creating... nothing?! Well, yes, these are my abilities. Writing about my day, dreams (literal and not), people and whatever else comes to my little brain.

Little. It is actually not little as it weighs almost 2 kg! Can you imagine? 

My "psychologist" best friend (Stefana, I m talking about you!), recommended I take a break and she endorses me writing on my blog. Thanks! 

I woke up and cleaned the house. One more indication that my BPD is flaring up. But depression is only a small part of it. The pills are definitely helping me. When I remember to take them. Like, last night, I did not. I told you, I dozed off. Don't judge me! 

I have two plants. One from my mom for my birthday (roses) and one from my best friend (orchids) for the new house - I suppose, this is when he brought it at least. I watered them yesterday and I m very happy about it. Almost proud. They are alive and keep me company.

Also, I decorated for Christmas. I have little lights, a white Santa Claus statue that I couldn' t resist thrifting and a small Christmas bear. Don't ask. The outside of the house also has a gray Santa that I thrifted. I thrift a lot lately, because I moved next to a thrift store. Not literally, but it takes 5 mins to walk there, tops.

So, the other day I needed more clothes (BPD flare up I said, yes?!) and I went to the stores. On black Friday. Not doing that again.

I tried on some stuff I was interested in, but nothing seemed to be what I was looking for. So I went to the thrift store. And there I found... almost everything I didn't know I needed! And so I bought two pairs of ski pants, because now I drive the scooter and it is freezing cold (we are around 3-8 degrees Celsius on average), a Christmassy sweater that says " Up to snow good" (see pic above for a glimpse) and another 4 blouses, sweaters, hoodies. The only thing I did not find and was looking for was a blouse- dress but the "up to snow good" is good enough to wear with leggings. Therefore, I am pleased. And the price for everything was 40 eur which is the price of just one item on the stores I had checked prior. 

Few days ago I was in need of a winter jacket. You know the gist: I went to the stores, tried on some stuff (prices were normal), did not find anything and paid a visit to the thrift store. And there I found the best jacket which collected already some nice comments. I forgot to mention that all the items (minus prolly two), were from the men's section and my jacket is 2XL! lol haha and all the rest. It covers me so properly, it has so many pockets and the two zippers that are needed when you are on a vroom vroom. I already spoilt my coat buttons because of that. 

The best part was the price! Just 16 Euro! 

Thus, now I have a "new wardrobe" for the winter with so less! 

Irrelevant but Stefana and her bf gave me a puzzle of 1500 pieces which stares at me from the library self. I don t have time for you, puzzle, nor the space to open you up! I 'm keeping it for winter treat actually for my break. 

That 's all for now. I opened this up to write few words and get my mind away from a subject called "introduction to clinical neuropsychology", but the other one called "test theory" (it is statistics related) is also hidden behind my laptop at the moment. One here one there. 

Oh god why so much of studying!?

"Who is who?" part 3 the meeting

 Evening comes. Silence ensues the whole day. The meeting is about to start. 

"Did anyone see you while coming here?", asks.

"No, and I was about to ask you the same thing", replies.

"No, of course not. What will you have?"

"A mojito. I have a feeling this shall be a long meet up".

"I don't know, it' s up to you", said while sipping their own drink.

"What are you having?" is asked.

"An whiskey. I thought that much was clear on my preferences."

"yes, I remember. With one piece of ice, "for the release of aromas"", quotes.

"Exactly. You noticed."

"I notice everything about you."

"I 'm glad this is happening. What else have you noticed?", asks.

"Your behavior in the office..."

"What about it?", raises eyebrow.

"It's indifferent. Like nothing ever happened that day."

"I have no idea what you are talking about."

"I meant all the flirting, during the company event."

"Still no clue!"

"You are getting on my nerves!", says and grabs their wrist.

The waiter interrupts the scene with the mojito. 

"I don't understand your outburst." says apathetically. 

"I am mad. You made me mad. I am sorry. I thought that something was going on here. I was wrong"

"That's exactly why I called you here today", says and reaches for their cheek. 

"What do you mean?"

"I wanted to let you know that no matter what happens between us, it HAS to remain secret. Are you okay with that? I need to make sure."

"Are you even serious asking this? Don't you think I understand the situation? We are both adults I think."

"Exactly this is my point."
"I m glad you clarified this part, however, because I wasn't sure how it may go for you."

"I 'm dead silent. I don't even wanna know you any further at work!"

"That's a bit harsh, but okay! I see your point."

"Good."

"Yes, good."

The evening passes soon. They end up in a car, on a mountain top, watching the stars in each other's hug...

"Who is who" part 2 - the beginning of...

The day passes by with work for both parties. No more accidental meetings in the kitchen happened that day. And this continued for some time, as the boss traveled abroad for business. The moments were hurting, both occasionally, but mostly her. Day in, day out with the thoughts of passion, affection, romance...

None of this is true. The fantasy has taken over.

Place: kitchen office

Time: few days later

Enters as always, nothing suspicious.

Enters few moments later. Small shock.

Looks at the other party "good morning, I wasn't expecting you" says.

"Me neither" is the cold reply, sipping on coffee.

"How have you been?" is asked.

"Fine as always" is the reply.

One has to be careful for whom they fall.

One needs to be careful with who they play.

Fire in the air.

Tension is built.

Leaves for their desk. Upset.

Continues their day. Upset as well.

Few days later, after the whole scene is repeated a couple of times...

"I need to talk to you".

"I m listening".

"Not here, not now...Let's meet for a coffee after work."

"Ok", plays along. "Meet you in X".

"Make sure noone sees us together".

"Agreed".

What is the talk all about? Who knows...