Late night thoughts

It's difficult being away from you. Difficult not to be able to look and touch you.

It's also hard to fit this new reality in my small brain. So many changes, so quick. 

You know, I live by myself, again. Like in Liberec. But everything is so different than then. 

Starting from my age, the amount of money I need to spend just to get by, moving on to the daily routine I have here (I m currently studying and not doing my internship in the local library of the university), ending to the fact that you are not here. The biggest part of the experience back then!

I feel so small, like I cannot comprehend the time passing around me; I 'd like it to pause for a while, for me to catch a breath. But then again, you can't have it all. My days are spent by riding a bike and doing trivial chores, such as shopping and cooking - speaking of which, I am indulging in instant noodles, just because I didn't do it on my first studies.

If anyone asks me what I am chasing, the obvious answer is "a better tomorrow", a not so obvious but personal truth is "knowledge" and some other stuff I gotta figure out with my psychologist in our sessions.

Look, I am moving on. 

Getting where?

As I was saying to a newly acquired but very dear friend, "I don't know where I am going to be". The question was if I am going back in summer. Where is back? 

I do everything in my life in another order. Sometimes I feel proud, just because I can. Though some nights I get so frustrated, because the path I select frequently (if not always), is the path that's not yet walked. And I have to live with the consequences. My nights have so many ups and downs, that I seem as a bipolar, however that's far from truth. 

Surely, the stress level fluctuates too, given that exams are around the corner (a week to be precise). Am I anxious? Not for the test day. I have taken and passed so many (interestingly I had failed only one during my lifetime), that the notion of anxiety for a test is funny on its own. Whether you know something or not. And as a grown adult, the consequences are just plainly in front of me. I think that's what used to make me anxious as a kid at least - not understanding the consequences, or misjudging them so much that it seemed like the end of the world. 

OH look again, I diverted the topic from pouring my heart out. It's not happening again. And don't you tell me that it's ok if I don't feel comfortable doing it. Nobody managed anything from their comfort zone.

Any choice is a risk. Relationships too. Any commitment is a risk. And no matter the ritual you go through with another person, if the love and caring is not there, the whole thing is over. 

Friendships go quite similarly. It takes two to tango. But for this tango, you need a rhythm, timing with the actual time. And it boils down to distance too.

Once more, I wrote so much, but not what all I wanted. As if the screen would ever get tired. I know nobody reads all this text anyways. I know because I rarely get comments.  But that is not my focus, because in a sense, these pages are a diary or my soul and I let you all in. 

Have a good night you out there.