Update before the exams

Studying and working is exhausting. Studying itself is exhausting. My grades plummeted since I started working, as the life-work balance is disturbed. Nothing can be done about that of course. I try to find any medication (herbal, mind you), that may help me concentrate, but the last few days, I find myself unable to focus and find my motivation. 

This is normal, some might say. And I may agree with them. We are past the mid of the block (one semester in my studies has two blocks, which means that after each block I m giving exams). We are approaching the first exam actually. It is on 15th of December. 

I need a break. 

A serious break though. I need to find a nice resort, escape from everything and hide there for just a week, with margaritas in my hand. 

Actually, no margaritas as I don 't prefer them. You may noticed in my last story that I prefer whiskey or mojitos or whatever cocktails. But not margaritas as I avoid salt in my diet. Nothing new, I do it since teenagerhood. I prefer the natural flavors of foods and drinks, although I use it to enhance the taste- as salt shall be used technically.

I made a Facebook post. A short one, on how drained I am mentally. I don't post much on Facebook though. It did not go viral or fly or anything, but it was good enough for the moment to vent. And this is the closest to a break I can have. My blog, my social media. 

Last night I was supposed to meet friends, but the timing was no good for me, so I stayed home and dozed off with the lights on, the door unlocked (it opens from the outside as well, like a room door!), clothes on and mugs with coffee, energy drink, juice and what not around, to try and give me the much needed energy to continue. I woke up multiple times. None of them had I had the energy to go to my bed. 

Is this depression saying hi? No, not on my watch bitch! 

That anyway cannot happen as I m on antidepressants anyway. Unless they stop working. Which would mean that my BPD would flare up. Or is it?

I had a haircut yesterday again: A maw-hawk after whole life (almost) dreaming of having one. The piercings are fake but they make me feel stronger and they encompass the whole style. Punk, was what I was called by my father. 

"Did you turn a punk?" he asked. 

Yes! kind of. 

He thought I am late to the trend, but do these stuff have a timing? I never liked being in fashion --> this is my rebellion against the world I suppose. 

My best friend supports me, which is very nice. He recommended I actually do the piercings, but I have to avoid such actions. The needles make me gag (not literally). 

I had an amazing dream last night my dear friend. 

I was in a sunny resort, full of swimming pools, waterfalls, amazing decorations and a safari near by! I saw lions, tigers (my favourites) swimming (why!? Dunno), snakes (i hate those but whatever, they were in the nature) and a play room full of gaming machines. I was going around collecting all the coins that other players had left and then I found a game that required a couple of people to play it together. 

Maybe this is how some people get their ideas- from dreams! And then they wake up and they are like "I m creating this thing!". And they do. 

And I m here instead, sitting, creating... nothing?! Well, yes, these are my abilities. Writing about my day, dreams (literal and not), people and whatever else comes to my little brain.

Little. It is actually not little as it weighs almost 2 kg! Can you imagine? 

My "psychologist" best friend (Stefana, I m talking about you!), recommended I take a break and she endorses me writing on my blog. Thanks! 

I woke up and cleaned the house. One more indication that my BPD is flaring up. But depression is only a small part of it. The pills are definitely helping me. When I remember to take them. Like, last night, I did not. I told you, I dozed off. Don't judge me! 

I have two plants. One from my mom for my birthday (roses) and one from my best friend (orchids) for the new house - I suppose, this is when he brought it at least. I watered them yesterday and I m very happy about it. Almost proud. They are alive and keep me company.

Also, I decorated for Christmas. I have little lights, a white Santa Claus statue that I couldn' t resist thrifting and a small Christmas bear. Don't ask. The outside of the house also has a gray Santa that I thrifted. I thrift a lot lately, because I moved next to a thrift store. Not literally, but it takes 5 mins to walk there, tops.

So, the other day I needed more clothes (BPD flare up I said, yes?!) and I went to the stores. On black Friday. Not doing that again.

I tried on some stuff I was interested in, but nothing seemed to be what I was looking for. So I went to the thrift store. And there I found... almost everything I didn't know I needed! And so I bought two pairs of ski pants, because now I drive the scooter and it is freezing cold (we are around 3-8 degrees Celsius on average), a Christmassy sweater that says " Up to snow good" (see pic above for a glimpse) and another 4 blouses, sweaters, hoodies. The only thing I did not find and was looking for was a blouse- dress but the "up to snow good" is good enough to wear with leggings. Therefore, I am pleased. And the price for everything was 40 eur which is the price of just one item on the stores I had checked prior. 

Few days ago I was in need of a winter jacket. You know the gist: I went to the stores, tried on some stuff (prices were normal), did not find anything and paid a visit to the thrift store. And there I found the best jacket which collected already some nice comments. I forgot to mention that all the items (minus prolly two), were from the men's section and my jacket is 2XL! lol haha and all the rest. It covers me so properly, it has so many pockets and the two zippers that are needed when you are on a vroom vroom. I already spoilt my coat buttons because of that. 

The best part was the price! Just 16 Euro! 

Thus, now I have a "new wardrobe" for the winter with so less! 

Irrelevant but Stefana and her bf gave me a puzzle of 1500 pieces which stares at me from the library self. I don t have time for you, puzzle, nor the space to open you up! I 'm keeping it for winter treat actually for my break. 

That 's all for now. I opened this up to write few words and get my mind away from a subject called "introduction to clinical neuropsychology", but the other one called "test theory" (it is statistics related) is also hidden behind my laptop at the moment. One here one there. 

Oh god why so much of studying!?