Feel stuck in life

The last few months, I see progress but I do not feel it. It may come from comparison of myself to others, but then again, others do not have a blog for a decade! 

I see own trip, through my own words throughout a long period of time when I go back and re-read my posts. I don 't do that often; maybe I should. As a booster. Everyone needs a booster occasionally. It is medically proven! (studies payback bitch!)

And now I am thinking that my future self is going to read this passage some time, because of the fancy title of course. So, I have to have something good to give him. 

Ah yes, myself is a male. No, I am not a male, I am a female. Myself only, when I refer to me, I am a man. Always have been and will always (?) be !? Dunno, stick with this for now. 

My pronouns? The heck? I just told you I am a woman, I m not going to that rabbit hole now as this is not my intention to touch upon this topic.

Anyway, as I was saying... Do I maybe have ADHD on top of everything else, or is that just me watching at the imaginary birds outside of the window? Only my therapists knows...

Anyway 2, I wanted to give something to my future self, so let us do some introspection, shall we?

What have I done the last 2 years of my life? 

• I applied to my current university (Tilburg university for psychology)
• I got accepted
• I left my job
• I moved countries
• I moved within the country to a different apartment
• I traveled to Prague, Greece and Belgium multiple times
• I biked to Belgium
• I worked odd jobs and answered a bunch of questionnaires for my studies (sona experiments for those who know)
• I passed my first year successfully albeit the height of the problems I faced during the exams
• I found a proper job
• I got engaged
• I got a scooter (and a helmet)
• I upgraded the scooter, twice (not my fault once of it)
• I failed some of my exams - expected...
• I cleaned my room/apartment a gazillion of times (why not mention it?!)
• I got 4 wigs
• I got a haircut and got rid of all my hair
• My style changed - expected too
• I have my first appraisal tomorrow - wish me luck
• I learnt statistics - on this trip currently
• I became more organized because of statistics and work
• I got more certifications (on body language reading and accounting)
• I wrote so many blogposts and actually for the first time of my life I finished one story (the fatal night, go check it here! (with google translate) )
• I started smoking - oh god, why
• I bought my own furniture and made my own space
• Started therapy
• stopped therapy 
• started new therapy with medications - and finally understood my life! 

and I still do not feel the progress. Is my life stuck on pause somehow? 

What do I need to move forward?

I think my complaint is more about my studies. Maybe I should have renamed the title as "feel stuck in studies" but this discovery came after I completed the above list, so the title stays! 

So, the complaint: I used to know so much about people. I used to read people like an open book. I was feeding on my experiences and was thinking of becoming a couples' counselor. But now all this energy is lost behind demotivation to study. I have a best friend here, Stefana. She is THE BEST in the studies! She is able to apply the knowledge immediately. And I see I am unable to do so! Why? Why is my own brain so stuck?

Sometimes I feel like hanging out with the youngsters who study this for the first time is a piece of cake, that I know better than them, but some other times I learn so much more from them! This is where I am lost. I wanted to be the "teacher". I have the life experience and the knowledge, right? I am 30. And age is just a number, and a number is just your age and I know that sh*t, but I do not want to accept it so I move on with that. Simple.

Often I catch myself ruminating and comparing myself with others (thanks BPD), and then my self esteem lowers. And lowers... And then I have days like this one, where I can only throw at you psychological facts that my brain very slowly and belatedly put together (yeah thanks brain). No matter how much I sleep, it does not seem to help.

And now I m behind on my studies, and I blame myself for not being able to focus and then I say "stop pushing me, I need a break" and then I take a break and feel even more guilty to have that well- deserved break. But I said it. It is well-deserved. I m on track with my studies till today, as long as we only speak about the content and not what all I have actually learnt. From this week on, it seems like I will fall behind, but that s why I have a small plan, right?!

On another topic, I want to start taking more care of myself, so I bought some face masks, engage more on LinkedIn (it is a personal wish), put more make up on (finally my lips are almost healed), wear better clothes and sleep in pajamas. Simple stuff.

I think I am starting right now with a hot bath! Bye!