BPD makes me feel empty. And it makes me think that I am constantly missing something, there is a gap inside me. Pills may have helped in the beginning. Now it is habituation time, maybe? Perhaps.
I had a probably irrational thought that I would like to have a sister. Or who knows, maybe my mom lost one (she lost 3 babies as far as I know). Plus, there s the rumour for a Brazilian sister, older than my oldest brother would be of course. Who knows, maybe I have a sister after all... But I would like to know. I would like to have a good relation with her. Brother replacement? Yes, in a sense could be.
My PTSD flared up yesterday and today. Possibly a game I payed triggered it ("Shit happens"). I imagined deaths and loses of people. Sudden changes in life ( I hate those, they are always ominus). The game was all about that I mean. So, my delayed PTSD of my brothers' loss came back and bit me in the ass. No, I did not cry. But I sensed it in my guts. Like a knife penetrating my stomach. Real enough like a dream.
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I have a unicorn that I sleep with. Sometimes it soothes me to sleep. But I say that I need it for my hands. Which is also true, but not the primary reason. The unicorn was a gift from my partner and it brings me joy and makes me calm. I am a highly sensitive person and I need something to touch to relax. I am not autistic though. I don't have anything else to make me fall in the autistic spectrum.
Anyways, I was saying about my dream and before that I was speaking about the PTSD. I have a weird, odd, bizarre feeling since then. Like the knife is still there.
I feel like my partner isn't able to understand the complexity and spectrum of BPD. I don t even know if he is ready for all the shit show that it brings.
Good news however! I was reading a book on scribd and new research is showing that BPD cay have a good course over the years. Which means? That it is curable with possibility of no relapse! Yayyy! I fell asleep though afterwards so I did not pay attention if it said if they used special treatment or what was the thing that played a role, but I think that they wouldn't mention it. It is too much to already make such big assumptions in a correlational (seem to be) research.
Have you read anything related to BPD recently? Leave a comment below !
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