Μια κυρία- Γαρμπή / ο απαγωγέας

 

Ήρθες στον ύπνο μου χθες, σαν εφιάλτης να σε φοβηθώ. Δε σε έχω δει ποτέ έτσι.

Μανιακός απαγωγέας.

Θέλησες να με απαγάγεις για να μου δείξεις το άλλο σου πρόσωπο. Ποιος είσαι.

Ή μήπως αυτός που πάντα ήσουν;

Δε θα μάθω ποτέ και για να είμαι ειλικρινής, δε θέλω. 

Έχει περάσει πια καιρός, βρίσκομαι σε μια άλλη χώρα και εσύ στο παρελθόν.

Και θα προτιμούσα να παραμείνεις εκεί.

Δεν είμαι σίγουρη τι σε ξύπνησε στο ασυνείδητό μου. 

Ίσως οι συνεδρίες μου.

Ίσως το περίεργο ταξίδι που έκανα πριν κοιμηθώ.

Ίσως...

Μα δε θα ήθελα να συσχετιστώ μαζί σου περαιτέρω. 

Έχουμε διαλέξει διαφορετικούς δρόμους, φίλους, ενδιαφέροντα, ζωές.

Οι επιλογές έχουν αντίκτυπο και είμαι σίγουρη επίσης πως θα ξαναβρεθούμε κάποια στιγμή, γιατί θα πρέπει η ζωή να μου δείξει τι απέγινε η δική σου πορεία.

Έτσι λειγουργεί με μένα. 

Κάποια στιγμή μαθαίνω τι απέφυγα.

The experience.

I just had the weirdest short trip in my life so far.

I 'm laying on the bed, chilling and preparing to just fall asleep, because I have been with little amount of sleep today. But I have no idea how, I think a song must have triggered it, my childhood ran through my fucking head. I was suddenly experiencing again, in an almost physical state, moments of my life that I vividly remember till today. Some photos came alive as well, as if it was my present.

Fully aware where I am and conscious of my surroundings, I did not manage to control few tears that ran on the pillow. My childhood fear of losing my mother was so alive and so sudden (I anyways have this fear every day) along with the regrets on the imperfect relation with my father... I wanted this invited trip to come to an end, but I just couldn't stop it.

Unexpected pain was felt. I also felt disassociated and then my memories seemed like they were leaving me. I had an odd feeling that they will disappear. Forever. I was afraid I will not be able to remember any of this, but then again, do I really want to recall all these unwanted messages?

They crumpled, like a paper does. They became a paper ball, like those we use to throw to a nearby bin, to test our basketball skills by using our latest draft. I saw all of them in a moment becoming one, getting wings and flying away...

And only then was I able to snap back to the reality and get up from the bed. I was not dreaming. I stopped the music, wiped the tears and here I am writing about those bizarre... 5 minutes? Or just 3? Or maybe 7 but no more. I remember there were two songs roughly played throughout this new experience.

Am I finding or losing my identity?

Inna - Flashbacks

 

Staring at the empty space of the page. I wanna feel it, but I m not sure where to start. Inna is playing on the background, reminding me of a life years ago. Something that was very different of today. Maybe simpler but back then probably felt way more complicated.

On another way of seeing it, I think that I have improved and moved so much more forward in my life, that I may be suffering from vertigo when I look back. 

I am the better version of myself. 

I am a weird mix of older knowledge and youthful spirit. But whatever it is, it is a greater "I". That's a non-stop game you have to keep playing. 

So far, I am winning. 

The trip has begun

Two years later, once again I meet with my consultant. She's a psychologist but the profession still has a negative connotation on it. I obviously don't care, since I am studying hard in order to become one myself. But people tend to draw conclusions easily, based on their limited experience and knowledge. That shouldn't bother me either, though I am working on it.

Have you ever heard the rumor that says that every psychologist needs one psychologist themselves before they start their work? (and maybe even during their working period)

That's exactly what I'm doing. I will be getting an assessment and support for god knows how long. Time to dive deeper. And next goal? To be mentioned in a book like the one I am sleeping on lately (literally): " Pioneers of psychology : a history" by Fancher and Rutherford.

All I m sure about is that I am on the right track. Some things have turned out much better than I thought and I dare say I am satisfied. I know the path I have chosen is not an easy one, but hey I keep talking about goals and guts.

Here I am then!

No fucks given, sorry

Time is passing normally and as a result, I grow up. It is a process that no-one has yet managed to stop. During this process, one accumulates knowledge and experience. In few cases, I will dare say that you acquire a"bird's-eye view" slowly, being able to check on situations and people with ease. 

The intuition (generally put when you can bond it with experience) is a sense that positively correlates with the age. The more you grow up the more you can trust it (stemming from experience, I repeat).

And the reason for that is all the shit you have been through. IF you have spent the time to analyze and understand the reasoning behind the experiences, most probably you have managed to internalize various external factors that led you to... "being you, today".

[further reading here: https://www.finkingma.com/en/the-internalisation-model-how-responsive-behaviour-is-born/]

However, a negative correlation occurs between the "older you get" and the "patience" you are left with. 

If I suppose that the average age of a female, white Greek woman is 84,5 years (directly taken from https://www.worlddata.info/life-expectancy.php), then I have just passed my 1 third of life. Grim talk? I don't think so!

On the same note, a 21 year old (taking it from the same average though) has just passed its 1 fourth of living. If you can understand math (which I won't explain here), you can extract that I possess - theoretically- more experiences and a better intuition that the 21 year old. 

So far, so good. Or not?

A person with less experience, intuition and knowledge is naturally inclined to seek answers (so that he can reach a better understanding of the world and social skills etc, let's sum it up as "knowledge"). As society - and me as part of it inevitably- we encourage this path. What we (I hope, or else I am alone) do not encourage is "smart asses" [ there, we get back to normal writing rather than a journal article tone].

And you know what? In the published research from Sawyer et al. (2018, p. 227), "The ages of 10–24 years are a better fit with the development of adolescents nowadays.". In simple words, the "adolescents" is a synonym for "teenagers", therefore until 24 years old, one can still be considered a "teenager". 

And what do teens do to me occasionally? They get on my nerves.

I have observed by my own experience as a teenager that usually:

1. They take for granted that they know it all (rationally impossible achievement).

2. They think they own the whole world and time (when the parents call their kids "prince" or "princess" they don't mean it literally, or at least it does not apply outside of the family boundaries).

3. As a consequence from number 2, they act entitled to whatever that brings along.

4. They have demands on EVERY SINGLE THING.

5. They think and act as if the rest of us are their puppets.

And the funniest of all so far:

6. They expect that the world would work like a clock: perfectly and non- stop (and that cycles back to 4 and often also to 5).

Obviously all the above are interconnected and if I start analyzing most probably I would have to devote a vast amount of years, so that I can properly explain why the aforementioned behavior is simultaneously positive and negative.

However, this is not a journal and I do not have so much of time, nor I really want to devote my precious time on that, as I 'm also confident there's a lot of related literature on this topic.

Apparently my so far experience in the Netherlands is going pretty well, since, as you can see, I could already produce a couple of lines on such a simple and complicated topic simultaneously. 

Though, the bottom line is that I am a tad far from adolescence (I am considered by "society" as a fully grown adult with all the "sundries" of responsibilities) and there is no going back (Fortunately? Unfortunately? Debatable). Therefore, as I have more important - defined by my age category- things to deal with, I conclude that I have inversely less fucks to give.

Reference(s): 

Eglitis, L. (n.d.). Average life expectancy by country. Worlddata.Info. Retrieved September 10, 2021, from https://www.worlddata.info/life-expectancy.php

Sawyer, S. M., Azzopardi, P. S., Wickremarathne, D., & Patton, G. C. (2018). The age of adolescence. The Lancet Child & Adolescent Health, 2(3), 223–228. https://doi.org/10.1016/S2352-4642(18)30022-1

Bibliography:

Kingma, F. (2018, January 24). The internalisation model – how we have created responsive behaviour. Fin Kingma - the Romantic Tester. https://www.finkingma.com/en/the-internalisation-model-how-responsive-behaviour-is-born/

Όταν πονάω το γλεντάω- First night in Prague

Here is a little video of my first night in Prague: late June 2017. Sudeep is recording from... the floor because we had no furniture yet. But what we had was good time. 

Really good time!

 The song (or rather its remix) that I was dancing to: 

Beethoven ~ Moonlight sonata by Valentina Lisitsa

The third movement (at 07:35 ) is magical.

Words are unnecessary, please enjoy.

 

PS. I don't miss you...

 ... not anymore.

Doing... what?

 It's almost 1 AM and I am studying.  Lectures have started, we are online for the moment and I am having the time of my life, learning about all the great Men (people) of the years and how the brain functions! Isn't it exactly why I came here? Oh yes, it is.

Surprisingly, I have no problem retaining the information, probably because as my boyfriend said, I like the topic. Although, I truly have to admit, we have an extensive syllabus to study and by not going freely to uni, I can't have the full student experience. All I am trying to say is that it may become tiring, especially in the winter days, where the light will be scarce ( I am not looking forward to this particular fact). 

On another note, I have made quite few friends and I have already met loads of people (do I remember all of their names? yeah, if we spoke more than 2 minutes, probably). I have participated in the student (?) fair and played amazingly entertaining games, getting a reminder that I am still young and I am getting a small "revenge" on life, by doing and getting all what I wanted to have when I was 19-20 (I guess).

I love my knowledge and although I may have plenty, I always want more. 

It amazes me how chill I have become (finally, duh?!), how nicely I can tackle some situations. 

Random facts:

~I live with another 3 girls from different countries (Croatia, Hungary and Brazil - again!)

~I don't know who started it, but we don't use 10% of our brains, because... our brains FUNCTION every millisecond! You are using your full capacity and therefore at all given times you are doing your best and I am proud of you! (not you M. please try harder)

~I try to live as minimalistic as possible. I don't mean that I don't own excess things, I do. But the rule is "if you ain't using it, get rid of it"

~I 'm gonna find a side job sooner than I thought (yeah, as if we didn't all know it). However, I am already doing some side gigs and feels good.

~In reference to the last phrase, I took part in a research study about decisions against other people. I had fun, no guilt. Go on Netflix and watch "100 humans" and also since you are there, if you check ""minimalism" , you 'll get a great video about it, providing enough explanations. 

~I started using my hands to do things around the house (tightened some screws, cleaned/ repaired/ organized few stuff and put DW-40 on EVERYTHING - no) and also outside of it (did some basic maintenance on the bike I got, cleaned/organized repaired the streets - just kidding on that last part).

I can say, life is good! Life is great!