I was standing there, looking at those amazing eyes, that I had never realized before how stunning they are. She was playfull smiling and she reminded me a tiger which is sure that it is gonna eat its prey. No matter what. That was... me then? After one year? How could I will have became such a person? So powerfull and so self-assured? I let her enjoy my confussion as I new that she would be even able to trick my mind. Well, she was the boss at that moment.
-So, she said, I have some things to tell you. Have you accepted me as yourself already or do you need more time?
-You know, the appearance is the same. I feel like I am watching myself in the mirror. And my instinct says that you are telling me the truth.
- Great! So my first advise is to never stop trusting your instinct. You will be fooled at some pointof your life sooner or later. It is unavoidable. But never, ever, break this trust on your, actually, self.
- As it seems to me, you know that f@cked up days are coming...
- Not exactly. And if so, you are not screwed up. You already know that sometimes you only want to surrender. But, do no do it. Just stay back and rethink of what you have achieved so far.
-Easy to say.
-It is even easier to be done. Easier than you think.
Suddenly I felt depressed. Why is she telling me all these stuff? And why now? I wanted to ask her so many questions. I waw tempted to ask her what it is going to happen to me. She must new. However, she interrupted my thought all alone:
-I will not tell you exactly what it is going to happen, but this year you are going to meet a very special person. And that person will be in our life...forever!
-At least tell me, is it a girl or a boy?
She laughs and says:
-How can I take all the fun ou of it? you like mysteries. So, go and figure it out. However, do not search for it. It is going to come to you all itself.
I could only hear her carefully. She knew stuff that were about to happen to me. That was the best person to give me advise for my own life. I felt quite better, but curiosity was still there. I looked at her. She only smiled and she told me to take care of my self (oh, how ironic), she then stood up and left...
So, I thought to myself "what is it going to happen now?"
I was acting all this time as If people would give back at some point, something of their time. Instead of it, I am only receiving rejection and dissapointment. How sick is when someone tells you that they hang out with you and your company only because they want to flirt with someone of them? How sick is to invite people and getting excuses all the time as an answer? How annoying is to usually be the last option for people? How terrible is it to find out that your friends met each other and they didn't even call you?
Among those, I keep thinking about my life and my ..somehow future. However, every second, every moment, I only feel like I have surrendered. I feel no interest. I feel no excitement. I feel, no feels!
Where is the fire, the sparkle? Where is my self?
Should I change any part of me? If so, how?
What should I do?
I am in a very strange situation in which I should make a dicision between my life in Liberec and Thessaloniki, my friends and my fiance, and of course my... careers! Life is full of choises- good and less good. The best thing is that I still feel like a 19 years old girl, so all the life is in front of me. There is always a way to do something. It is just that also always something is gonna be missing. Never full or complete means the perfect. Otherwise, why would we fight for?
But dear friends... Please, tell me how the situation in Greece is? Should I return in July or in October? You are gonna tell me that there is only a difference of 3 months. And I m gonna reply you that I cannot make up my mind. The mind that I could never put in a place. The mind that always wanted to take that body and escape somewhere far. Well, now I made it. I m not so far, but I have escaped. To another reality. To less problems.
Oh no. I have escaped to different problems only. Nevermind. I like it here. I live for the present, everyday. There are challenges also every day. I have become a bit stronger, but you know.. I am still a kid inside. I get frightened or scared, I am curious or exited, I get sad or happy... And this is life. I m gonna value the moments differently from now on. And I m not alone.
I have the support of my lovely fiance. There are problems that we fight together. There are jokes that we make together. There are plans, friends or comversations...
Yes, this is my darling future husband. Who cares for the "name". He is what he is and he is in my life. THe one is in the orbit of the other and there is no collision. What if I hadn't have him?
Dear friends, I am happy here. I appreciate everything that I had and I still have. I have onced touched my limits, but I didn t collapse. I am here, I am strong and I m still a... thinker!
Keep in touch. Write me back and see you soon!