Something to write (BPD related)

BPD makes me feel empty. And it makes me think that I am constantly missing something, there is a gap inside me. Pills may have helped in the beginning. Now it is habituation time, maybe? Perhaps.

I had a probably irrational thought that I would like to have a sister. Or who knows, maybe my mom lost one (she lost 3 babies as far as I know). Plus, there s the rumour for  a Brazilian sister, older than my oldest brother would be of course. Who knows, maybe I have a sister after all... But I would like to know. I would like to have a good relation with her. Brother replacement? Yes, in a sense could be. 

My PTSD flared up yesterday and today. Possibly a game I payed triggered it ("Shit happens"). I imagined deaths and loses of people. Sudden changes in life ( I hate those, they are always ominus). The game was all about that I mean. So, my delayed PTSD of my brothers' loss came back and bit me in the ass. No, I did not cry. But I sensed it in my guts. Like a knife penetrating my stomach. Real enough like a dream. 

From unsplash: Give a shoutout to Luke Stackpoole

I have high connection with dreams. No, I don't believe in them exactly as a prophecy, but I have very vivid dreams. I live in them sometimes. Like I live different lives. And I love that about my dreams. My nightmares are also interesting. And I have those occasionally too. I have taught myself how to wake myself up when I have a nightmare. It's simple: I scream! Or rather I try talking and asking for help. But nothing comes out but a faint scream so someone else wakes me up if present. Otherwise my voice wakes me up and sometimes I am paralyzed. I stare the ceiling. Doing nothing but relieving the dream. Then I can go back to sleep. 

I have a unicorn that I sleep with. Sometimes it soothes me to sleep. But I say that I need it for my hands. Which is also true, but not the primary reason. The unicorn was a gift from my partner and it brings me joy and makes me calm. I am a highly sensitive person and I need something to touch to relax. I am not autistic though. I don't have anything else to make me fall in the autistic spectrum. 

Anyways, I was saying about my dream and before that I was speaking about the PTSD. I have a weird, odd, bizarre feeling since then. Like the knife is still there. 

I feel like my partner isn't able to understand the complexity and spectrum of BPD. I don t even know if he is ready for all the shit show that it brings. 

Good news however! I was reading a book on scribd and new research is showing that BPD cay have a good course over the years. Which means? That it is curable with possibility of no relapse! Yayyy! I fell asleep though afterwards so I did not pay attention if it said if they used special treatment or what was the thing that played a role, but I think that they wouldn't mention it. It is too much to already make such big assumptions in a correlational (seem to be) research. 

Have you read anything related to BPD recently? Leave a comment below !