Who am I (BPD related)

I wanna run. Away from everything. Press restart once again, like when I was a teenager.

I want to fly away, just for a while, to have it for myself only. It, means the time and me. To have everything for myself. As my friend said " i need to be selfish and think of me". But how does one do it in a busy schedule?

I have some presentation coming up, Sudeep's visit, exams and a lot of studying. So I choose to leave in a different way, which results in me living in a different way. And that has consequences. Unforeseen or predictable?

Predictable I would say. The same path. Walked all over, again and again. Albeit now more mature, the consequences may be more in number and magnitude. I shan't explain this position as I am answering to myself tonight only. 

I have been grieving a loss and I am still grieving it. A new one, not the one about my brother. A different type of brother. 

Losing someone and moving out are the two most stressful events in an individual's life. And I am experiencing a loss in a different country as an expat. Fairly well I am doing, huh?

Call the culprit as Dopamine. I am an experience seeker, because of that. I seek thrill I cannot have. When I feel empty, even I don't know what I am seeking for. But I feel the pain it causes. On my skin? Not so much as on my soul.

I know I have BPD but this is a moment that accepting this fact is a little painful and difficult. The DSM- 5 comes to my mind and the list of symptoms:

1. Chronic feelings of emptiness
2. Emotional instability in reaction to day-to-day events (e.g., intense episodic sadness, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
3. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
4. Identity disturbance with markedly or persistently unstable self-image or sense of self
5. Impulsive behavior in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)
6. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
7. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by extremes between idealization and devaluation (also known as "splitting")
8. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats, or self-harming behavior
9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

You need at least 5 out of 9 to qualify (please, do not self-diagnose but rather see a therapist and discuss your suspicions with them.). I sometimes qualify all 9 (thankfully not simultaneously, because disossiation is shit!). 

So now I wanna run. What have I done tonight? Who knows...